Second semester is in full swing and I guess I am too. I'm confident and not at the same time. I go to every single class as prepared as I can be. I do the reading, I try to look beyond the cases and the get to the analysis in terms of the subject matter as a whole. I am trying to study in the way the professors tailor their classes. But is that enough?
I've already spent every weekend except this one at school. The only reason I didn't go this weekend was that I used my free time on Friday to prepare for Monday and Wednesday's Criminal Law classes and brought my Property book home. I've been headachey a couple of days last week and slept like a dead woman yesterday during the day. It was the best nap I've ever had and I really didn't want to wake up. I was in Derek's bed and I was so cozy and warm and no one was home and I didn't have to do anything. But up I gots. I wanted popcorn for some reason.
So I just took the day off yesterday. It wasn't really my intention. I intended to study and do laundry, but I did neither. But I was so relaxed and didn't think about school at all. When John and Der came home, I cuddled with John on the sofa and watched tv with him for most of the evening.
But the headache came back this morning b/c I still have the Property reading to do and no BB to spur me into action. We spend large chunks of the weekend together, holed up in a classroom, studying and just listening to each other. It's a very quiet form of encouragement and I find I miss her this weekend.
Let's see. What else has been going on?
Lawyering. What a class. What do I say about that? Nothing that I can write on a public blog while being a lawyer-in-training. As for the work, we have 3 interviewing simulations to complete for the semester and the first is on Tuesday. I have to interview a "client" about her loss of unemployment compensation. I've prepared my questions and will dust off the lawyer-shoes.
I've been trying to work towards finals and my prep is pretty straight-forward for Crim and Prop, but Legislation and Regulation is going to be a challenge. I like the class and it takes a bit for me to get through the reading, but I soldier on and through. I'm not sure how to start to prepare for the final exam, though. It's one of those things where he could ask anything and I can't imagine how.
Crim is something else. The prof is universally disliked, although I've been wondering. He's been kinda pleasant when he's not teaching. He always smiles when he sees me and says hi and chats and laughs with students when they talk to him before and after class. He has a very abstract way of teaching and he teaches more philosophy than what I expected from this class. I certainly expected the class to be more animated, especially since a good two-thirds of the students were really looking forward to it. Not so much now, I think. It's becoming more a chore to go to this class, especially since I have duck-egg interest in Crim Law.
I've signed up for 2 summer courses: Drafting for Contracts and a Judicial Externship. I went to my K prof for some advice and was so glad that my choices (which I had already made!) lined up exactly with what he told me. I'm looking forward to spending my summer in a State Civil Court and learning how to draft an airtight contract. Good times ahead!
Personally: I cleaned out my FB friends list and it was long overdue. I thought of getting rid of FB altogether and just keeping the blog and Twitter, which are more private. I haven't actually stopped thinking of that option.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
terrors
I have a lot going on in my head these last few days. I am not happy with the reflection semester one's grades have on my ability, preparation and all-round general brilliance. I have been actively working to improve my approach and habits, even though it's only heading into the 3rd week of classes.
It starts from Day 1. But I'm wondering if I'm slipping back into complacency b/c work at the beginning of the semester is easier than it looks and I feel like I can handle it. I've already given up most of both days of the weekend and had a talk with John about putting more of myself into school and less at home. He's told me not to worry and assured me I don't need to feel overwhelmed or guilty about anything.
Overwhelmed. There is my biggest problem, the root from which all my depression grows. A long time ago, something bad happened and I just couldn't cope with it. I didn't know what to do, so I cried until it actually hurt my chest and I finally went to a doctor.
Over the years I've fought with it and mostly lost. The worst of it came when I moved to NY. I thought being a single mother, mostly friendless with no family or money or love or someone to lean on was the absolute worst thing that could happen to me. And it was. But moving here gave that sucker a real run for its money.
I don't think I was entirely over being alone with Derek. To be thrust into another huge life change just took it all out of me. I don't think I'm ever really going to let go of the terror I felt being so alone and being the only person a little person has to depend on, but I've let some things go over the last 5 years and I've certainly come to terms with the fact that there are things I CAN'T let go. It's now a part of who I am.
Making some kind of peace with myself and the husband has made me less afraid of not being able to cope. I've found that there isn't much that can overwhelm me.
Until now, that is.
I think about the work for the semester and it's no longer doing it week to week. Now it's about preparing for finals all the way. But there's more than that. There is a brief and an oral argument and client interviews. Plus looking for a job. It's so much. Just applying for jobs is a full-time gig and is a huge time-sucker. I've done everything for a Judicial Externship but finish my writing sample and I can't submit that till I meet with someone from the Writing Department, which is sometime this week. Then I have to meet with last semester's professors. Then I have to meet with my Career Advisor at some point.
Time-suckers. I still have to eat and sleep. And shower. And Derek.
Overwhelmed. I don't cope well with being overwhelmed. It terrifies me that I cannot control things, even thing I can objectively handle. I just frighten myself out of the ability.
Deep breath.
It starts from Day 1. But I'm wondering if I'm slipping back into complacency b/c work at the beginning of the semester is easier than it looks and I feel like I can handle it. I've already given up most of both days of the weekend and had a talk with John about putting more of myself into school and less at home. He's told me not to worry and assured me I don't need to feel overwhelmed or guilty about anything.
Overwhelmed. There is my biggest problem, the root from which all my depression grows. A long time ago, something bad happened and I just couldn't cope with it. I didn't know what to do, so I cried until it actually hurt my chest and I finally went to a doctor.
Over the years I've fought with it and mostly lost. The worst of it came when I moved to NY. I thought being a single mother, mostly friendless with no family or money or love or someone to lean on was the absolute worst thing that could happen to me. And it was. But moving here gave that sucker a real run for its money.
I don't think I was entirely over being alone with Derek. To be thrust into another huge life change just took it all out of me. I don't think I'm ever really going to let go of the terror I felt being so alone and being the only person a little person has to depend on, but I've let some things go over the last 5 years and I've certainly come to terms with the fact that there are things I CAN'T let go. It's now a part of who I am.
Making some kind of peace with myself and the husband has made me less afraid of not being able to cope. I've found that there isn't much that can overwhelm me.
Until now, that is.
I think about the work for the semester and it's no longer doing it week to week. Now it's about preparing for finals all the way. But there's more than that. There is a brief and an oral argument and client interviews. Plus looking for a job. It's so much. Just applying for jobs is a full-time gig and is a huge time-sucker. I've done everything for a Judicial Externship but finish my writing sample and I can't submit that till I meet with someone from the Writing Department, which is sometime this week. Then I have to meet with last semester's professors. Then I have to meet with my Career Advisor at some point.
Time-suckers. I still have to eat and sleep. And shower. And Derek.
Overwhelmed. I don't cope well with being overwhelmed. It terrifies me that I cannot control things, even thing I can objectively handle. I just frighten myself out of the ability.
Deep breath.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
that john steinbeck sure knew his robbie burns
Because all my best-laid schemes definitely awry did go!
I'd been feeling crappy for a few days last week, but thought it was the allergies giving me grief. I kept trying to study but couldn't seem to focus, not because I was distracted but b/c I just felt fuzzy. On Saturday, I sneezed non-stop. Oh no! Head cold. Blah!
I wish it was a head cold!
By Sunday, I was flat out dead. Shaking like nobody's business. I was so cold, John had to pull out the huge thick quilt we only use for company! I was already fully dressed, socks and all, plus sheet and a quilt! And a John! It was bad. I don't think I've been this sick since I moved here and had the Winter of Death, where I was sick for about 4 months straight!
Every bone in my body was screaming at me in agony. That day is really a blur now. I'm pretty sure I didn't make it out of bed all day. Most of Monday as well. I managed to email the Profs and a couple of other commitments I had but I mostly couldn't move. I didn't eat until Tuesday, when I felt like I could look at food without wanting to yak. I've always found it funny you can be nauseous when you have no food in your stomach. Even water made me want to throw up. Ginger ale helped and it was all I cared to imbibe for about 3 days. Maybe 2. I think on Sunday, I forced down a bowl of cereal and on Monday, half of a boiled egg. Maybe.
Then came the headaches and cold sweats. I woke up twice on Monday night soaked through. I had to change clothes and everything. My nose has not stopped running and every time I coughed, even now, my head hurt. My face was so congested, I had to soak a washcloth in cold water and place it over my eyes to get some relief. I cannot remember when I felt this ill. I still feel crappy all over and probably sound just as bad.
Derry came home all miserable yesterday. He was fed up of outside food and really wanted some Mummy foody, because it's "the best"! Aw. I felt really sorry for the little guy. He had some of the early symptoms of my flu, tummy upset and grumpiness, so I dragged myself up and made him spaghetti and meatballs. Mercifully, I already had the meat seasoned in the fridge and all I had to do was make it, but it was still very tiring and I had to sit down afterwards. It took a bit longer to do, as a result.
He ate some, but his tummy was really giving him hell. So he had a yogurt and just sat still until bedtime, rare for our Pie, let me tell you. Both he and I had to tell John to stop making us laugh because we're too sick to laugh out loud. Seriously. Tummy aches, coughing, headaches... laughing should not hurt!
I tossed around last night a lot. I know it's anxiety about school. John is getting upset that I haven't been back, but I'm fighting between being weak and not wanting to get pnuemonia and really really wanting to go back. I've missed two classes and feeling lost because I wasn't even able to prepare for them, so it's not even like I know what the hell happened.
I'm doing my best to go in later today. I have a class at 4:30, but it's so cold outside, I'm really worried about how I'll fare. But I have stuff to pick up at school and since Monday is a holiday, I have some time to catch up. I'll have to stay at home, because there is more snow expected, but I'll manage. I'll feel a lot better, physically and mentally, once I can ease my mind that I'm catching up with the reading and not giving myself a handicap so early in the semester.
Pray for Mojo.
I'd been feeling crappy for a few days last week, but thought it was the allergies giving me grief. I kept trying to study but couldn't seem to focus, not because I was distracted but b/c I just felt fuzzy. On Saturday, I sneezed non-stop. Oh no! Head cold. Blah!
I wish it was a head cold!
By Sunday, I was flat out dead. Shaking like nobody's business. I was so cold, John had to pull out the huge thick quilt we only use for company! I was already fully dressed, socks and all, plus sheet and a quilt! And a John! It was bad. I don't think I've been this sick since I moved here and had the Winter of Death, where I was sick for about 4 months straight!
Every bone in my body was screaming at me in agony. That day is really a blur now. I'm pretty sure I didn't make it out of bed all day. Most of Monday as well. I managed to email the Profs and a couple of other commitments I had but I mostly couldn't move. I didn't eat until Tuesday, when I felt like I could look at food without wanting to yak. I've always found it funny you can be nauseous when you have no food in your stomach. Even water made me want to throw up. Ginger ale helped and it was all I cared to imbibe for about 3 days. Maybe 2. I think on Sunday, I forced down a bowl of cereal and on Monday, half of a boiled egg. Maybe.
Then came the headaches and cold sweats. I woke up twice on Monday night soaked through. I had to change clothes and everything. My nose has not stopped running and every time I coughed, even now, my head hurt. My face was so congested, I had to soak a washcloth in cold water and place it over my eyes to get some relief. I cannot remember when I felt this ill. I still feel crappy all over and probably sound just as bad.
Derry came home all miserable yesterday. He was fed up of outside food and really wanted some Mummy foody, because it's "the best"! Aw. I felt really sorry for the little guy. He had some of the early symptoms of my flu, tummy upset and grumpiness, so I dragged myself up and made him spaghetti and meatballs. Mercifully, I already had the meat seasoned in the fridge and all I had to do was make it, but it was still very tiring and I had to sit down afterwards. It took a bit longer to do, as a result.
He ate some, but his tummy was really giving him hell. So he had a yogurt and just sat still until bedtime, rare for our Pie, let me tell you. Both he and I had to tell John to stop making us laugh because we're too sick to laugh out loud. Seriously. Tummy aches, coughing, headaches... laughing should not hurt!
I tossed around last night a lot. I know it's anxiety about school. John is getting upset that I haven't been back, but I'm fighting between being weak and not wanting to get pnuemonia and really really wanting to go back. I've missed two classes and feeling lost because I wasn't even able to prepare for them, so it's not even like I know what the hell happened.
I'm doing my best to go in later today. I have a class at 4:30, but it's so cold outside, I'm really worried about how I'll fare. But I have stuff to pick up at school and since Monday is a holiday, I have some time to catch up. I'll have to stay at home, because there is more snow expected, but I'll manage. I'll feel a lot better, physically and mentally, once I can ease my mind that I'm catching up with the reading and not giving myself a handicap so early in the semester.
Pray for Mojo.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
upward and onward
I understand it's not the done thing to talk about your grades on your blog. I don't think enough people read my blog to really get into the kinds of uproars I've seen on the blawgosphere. But, I'm going to not post the actual grades on here except to say I got nothing lower than a B- and I am not happy.
Bang (one of my study buddies is becoming a good friend and his last name starts with Ba and we decided to create an empire called Bang: his Ba plus my ng! Mostly, we just call each other Bang!) pointed out that I know what I need to do to improve. He's not wrong, but I'm a little uncertain about what to do.
I'm disappointed because I was hoping to grade into Law Review, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen, even if I get straight As this semester. I'm trying not to think about that so much.
But I have to try to put this behind me and focus on this semester and the new challenges. Prof Crim is living up to his reputation thus far. I spoke to an alum and when I said which professor I had for Criminal Law, there was definite faces and hesitations. Prof Crim seems unapproachable. Since I have no desire to get into Criminal Law, I have no problem keeping my distance from the man and just doing the work to get out of the class.
Prof Property is very nice. None of the others have been in touch so far. Well, to say Prof Crim got in touch is a bit much. He just posted the readings online and it's a good thing I was checking. Prof Prop sent us a very nice email and told us where to find what we need. I'm not saying we're not supposed to be proactive, but every professor so far has sent at least a "welcome to my class" email. Ah well. We'll see.
I am looking forward to going back. Monday will be my first day back in school since the break began. I have to pick up a book at the bookstore, get 2 supplements from the Copy Center and attend a meeting. I think I'll be spending the day there since I have to go to a City Bar event later in the evening.
The break has been nice and relaxing. I watched a lot of tv and read many books. I hung out with Pie and I wish I could have had a date with the husband. We got to spend Christmas Eve together as Pie went off to Grandma's, but we spent most of it hiding his presents and doing nothing much. But we all had a pretty decent time. I am looking forward to seeing Bang and BB and a few other classmates and hearing about their vacations. It'll be good to be back.
Bang (one of my study buddies is becoming a good friend and his last name starts with Ba and we decided to create an empire called Bang: his Ba plus my ng! Mostly, we just call each other Bang!) pointed out that I know what I need to do to improve. He's not wrong, but I'm a little uncertain about what to do.
I'm disappointed because I was hoping to grade into Law Review, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen, even if I get straight As this semester. I'm trying not to think about that so much.
But I have to try to put this behind me and focus on this semester and the new challenges. Prof Crim is living up to his reputation thus far. I spoke to an alum and when I said which professor I had for Criminal Law, there was definite faces and hesitations. Prof Crim seems unapproachable. Since I have no desire to get into Criminal Law, I have no problem keeping my distance from the man and just doing the work to get out of the class.
Prof Property is very nice. None of the others have been in touch so far. Well, to say Prof Crim got in touch is a bit much. He just posted the readings online and it's a good thing I was checking. Prof Prop sent us a very nice email and told us where to find what we need. I'm not saying we're not supposed to be proactive, but every professor so far has sent at least a "welcome to my class" email. Ah well. We'll see.
I am looking forward to going back. Monday will be my first day back in school since the break began. I have to pick up a book at the bookstore, get 2 supplements from the Copy Center and attend a meeting. I think I'll be spending the day there since I have to go to a City Bar event later in the evening.
The break has been nice and relaxing. I watched a lot of tv and read many books. I hung out with Pie and I wish I could have had a date with the husband. We got to spend Christmas Eve together as Pie went off to Grandma's, but we spent most of it hiding his presents and doing nothing much. But we all had a pretty decent time. I am looking forward to seeing Bang and BB and a few other classmates and hearing about their vacations. It'll be good to be back.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
final final of semester
And I am deep in a wave of depression. I did nothing at home, nothing I care to call substantial, anyway, for the last 2 days. I came in to school this morning, breaking my own rule about not being here during finals. But both John and Derek are home and, let me tell you, the kid is not the issue. Not that John is needy or anything, but he is very spoilt when it comes to harassing me. He's not used to leaving me alone and I am constantly waiting for him to get on my nerves. It will be nice to go back to the status quo for a bit where he can bother me any old time he feels like it.
All I want is for Civ Pro to be over so I can go home and collapse into my bed and sleep till sometime tomorrow.
All I want is for Civ Pro to be over so I can go home and collapse into my bed and sleep till sometime tomorrow.
Friday, December 10, 2010
first law school final
Well, this is it. My very first law school final: Torts. I'm so excited I could spit! I've always had a very Zen approach to exams. It's a comfort zone to me and once I know I'm prepared, I'm good to go. It's not like I couldn't have done some more prep by doing some more Q&As, but I'm not sure that it would have made that big a difference.
The thing that did make the most difference was being able to talk about the course with my study buddies. Hearing yourself say the things out loud and realizing you're either sounding dumb or really smart is so helpful. Writing stuff down, too, has always been a good technique to help me remember. I managed to distill some concepts onto one notecard - no easy feat - and I also have to remember not to leave it in my pocket when I go into the exam!
So, here I am, sitting in Starbucks down the street from school. I went over my outlines and my little card and then decided to settle back and read on my Kindle till it's time to head to school. A daddy put his little girl on the seat opposite me and is feeding her a muffin. She has a juice box and looks like the muffin exploded all over her adorable face. It makes me miss Le Pie and I can't wait to see him and the husband tonight. All is right with my world.
The thing that did make the most difference was being able to talk about the course with my study buddies. Hearing yourself say the things out loud and realizing you're either sounding dumb or really smart is so helpful. Writing stuff down, too, has always been a good technique to help me remember. I managed to distill some concepts onto one notecard - no easy feat - and I also have to remember not to leave it in my pocket when I go into the exam!
So, here I am, sitting in Starbucks down the street from school. I went over my outlines and my little card and then decided to settle back and read on my Kindle till it's time to head to school. A daddy put his little girl on the seat opposite me and is feeding her a muffin. She has a juice box and looks like the muffin exploded all over her adorable face. It makes me miss Le Pie and I can't wait to see him and the husband tonight. All is right with my world.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Black Swan
So I'm writing this for 2 reasons. One is I loved the movie and just want to write about it. And, two, I need practice typing on Der's netbook because I need to use it for finals. There is no way I'm getting Louisa back in time for December 10.
So, back to Bom.
I heard about "Black Swan" months ago, at some film festival wrap-up. I'd read in passing that Natalie Portman was already getting Oscar buzz for her role as a ballet dancer giving into her dark side. Wow! Natalie Portman? Love her! Ballet? Love it! Darren Aronofsky? Loved "The Wrestler", so why they hell not?
I began to wait. It began to feel like I was a "Star Wars" geek waiting for "The Phantom Menace". I stalked the imdb.com page daily. And the trailer? Twice daily was more like! And then I found this music video and I lost it completely!
If I loved "Swan Lake" before, I was fairly obsessed by then. I found a documentary about 5 dancers in the Kirov Ballet and discovered the amazing Uliana Lopatkina who is the epitome of the dying swan. Pavlova is great and all that, but Lopatkina has the most enviable arms and a grace that was given to her by the angels themselves.
I rented a Kirov performance of "Swan Lake" but was so disappointed in the ending. They made it all happy and shit and there was no dying swan. I felt gypped and almost flung the disc away in disgust. Needless to say, Lopatkina didn't dance Odile/Odette.
Speaking of whom, I've often wondered what a dancer goes through in performing these roles in "Swan Lake". They are polar opposites of each other and Odette looms larger in terms of presence in the ballet. So a dancer spends more time perfecting and rehearsing the White Swan, and then must switch gears for a very physically gruelling dance that exudes more force than the White Swan offers in her entire performance. The White Swan is all grace and fragility and fear and tender love. The Black Swan is lust and passion and cruelty.
"Black Swan" captures the dichotomy beautifully. Portman is allowed to stretch marvelously into both characters. And they are two characters, both in the ballet and the film. Portman's Nina Sayers is everything the White Swan is supposed to be: fragile, graceful, technically perfect. But the Black Swan is none of those things. The White Swan is all internal and the Black Swan is visceral and everything is outside for the world to see.
Nina IS the White Swan. All she wants to be is perfect. She is timid and allows herself to be manipulated by her mother, an ex-dancer who "gave it up to have [Nina]". Nina's eventual rebellion only comes when pushed by Mila Kunis' Lily. It's Lily who gives voice to Nina's mother's actions and, while Nina is coming into slow realization herself, it's Lily's contempt that provides the impetus for Nina to take a stand.
I like Mila Kunis. She's a risk-taker. She fit right into Lily exactly like you'd expect her to. I have nothing bad to say about her performance, but I wasn't surprised the way I was with Portman and Winona Ryder. They aren't exactly risk-takers when it comes to their choices of film roles, so this movie was a revelation.
Lily served her purpose in the story and Kunis subtly moved the character in and out of Nina's perceptions of Lily. It was an excellent performance, just not surprising.
Now, as for Ryder. I think if Judi Dench can win an Oscar for six minutes on screen in "Shakespeare in Love", Ryder should be a shoo-in for a Best Supporting Oscar in next year's academy awards. Ryder is my generation's Ellen Page. "Heathers" is my "Juno". Etc. Etc. But Ryder has never really stepped out of that onlooker's position in her film choices. She's never been anything but lovely, graceful, timid with inner strength. It's always been internal performances, like May in "Age of Innocence". In "Black Swan", she has three scenes and is mesmerizing in all of them, short as her screen time was. It wasn't my Winona Ryder, I thought. She's everything May is not: cruel, hateful, frightened, envious, shocking. All the external emotions she's never shown.
As for Portman, where do I begin? She's Natalie Portman and, for a good chunk of the movie, exactly what you'd expect from a very talented actress. Oh, but not really everything you'd expect, is it? She's got lots of subtlety to play with and she does amazing things with her eyes and neck that make you shudder just as much as the larger actions.
I'm not spoiling anything by saying the movie is about descent into madness. Nina is told by the choreographer, Thomas, that if he was casting the White Swan only, she was a shoo-in. She's ALL White Swan, but he wants a more visceral performance out of her. He's opening the season with "Swan Lake". "Done to death, I know," he says. "But not like this." He gives Nina the part, knowing full well she has a great deal of work to do to become the Black Swan.
Nina is terrifying and terrified. She's sexually repressed and always seems to be in a state of coitus interruptus. Well, I know I'd go mad if I was always on the verge of an orgasm just to have the stimulus pulled away from me. Just saying.
So she throws herself into the role. Thomas wants her to let go, Lily thinks she is going to be amazing, her mother is proud and supportive and turns on a dime to sabotage. Or does she? Is Lily really jealous and pretends to be encouraging and friendly? The movie isn't an enigma wrapped in a mystery but it's a mind-fuck all the same.
To say I wasn't disappointed is an understatement. I loved it with every pore of my being. I'd go back if I wasn't in the thick of finals prep. But that DVD is so mine when it comes out. Mine, I tell you! MINE!
So, back to Bom.
I heard about "Black Swan" months ago, at some film festival wrap-up. I'd read in passing that Natalie Portman was already getting Oscar buzz for her role as a ballet dancer giving into her dark side. Wow! Natalie Portman? Love her! Ballet? Love it! Darren Aronofsky? Loved "The Wrestler", so why they hell not?
I began to wait. It began to feel like I was a "Star Wars" geek waiting for "The Phantom Menace". I stalked the imdb.com page daily. And the trailer? Twice daily was more like! And then I found this music video and I lost it completely!
If I loved "Swan Lake" before, I was fairly obsessed by then. I found a documentary about 5 dancers in the Kirov Ballet and discovered the amazing Uliana Lopatkina who is the epitome of the dying swan. Pavlova is great and all that, but Lopatkina has the most enviable arms and a grace that was given to her by the angels themselves.
I rented a Kirov performance of "Swan Lake" but was so disappointed in the ending. They made it all happy and shit and there was no dying swan. I felt gypped and almost flung the disc away in disgust. Needless to say, Lopatkina didn't dance Odile/Odette.
Speaking of whom, I've often wondered what a dancer goes through in performing these roles in "Swan Lake". They are polar opposites of each other and Odette looms larger in terms of presence in the ballet. So a dancer spends more time perfecting and rehearsing the White Swan, and then must switch gears for a very physically gruelling dance that exudes more force than the White Swan offers in her entire performance. The White Swan is all grace and fragility and fear and tender love. The Black Swan is lust and passion and cruelty.
"Black Swan" captures the dichotomy beautifully. Portman is allowed to stretch marvelously into both characters. And they are two characters, both in the ballet and the film. Portman's Nina Sayers is everything the White Swan is supposed to be: fragile, graceful, technically perfect. But the Black Swan is none of those things. The White Swan is all internal and the Black Swan is visceral and everything is outside for the world to see.
Nina IS the White Swan. All she wants to be is perfect. She is timid and allows herself to be manipulated by her mother, an ex-dancer who "gave it up to have [Nina]". Nina's eventual rebellion only comes when pushed by Mila Kunis' Lily. It's Lily who gives voice to Nina's mother's actions and, while Nina is coming into slow realization herself, it's Lily's contempt that provides the impetus for Nina to take a stand.
I like Mila Kunis. She's a risk-taker. She fit right into Lily exactly like you'd expect her to. I have nothing bad to say about her performance, but I wasn't surprised the way I was with Portman and Winona Ryder. They aren't exactly risk-takers when it comes to their choices of film roles, so this movie was a revelation.
Lily served her purpose in the story and Kunis subtly moved the character in and out of Nina's perceptions of Lily. It was an excellent performance, just not surprising.
Now, as for Ryder. I think if Judi Dench can win an Oscar for six minutes on screen in "Shakespeare in Love", Ryder should be a shoo-in for a Best Supporting Oscar in next year's academy awards. Ryder is my generation's Ellen Page. "Heathers" is my "Juno". Etc. Etc. But Ryder has never really stepped out of that onlooker's position in her film choices. She's never been anything but lovely, graceful, timid with inner strength. It's always been internal performances, like May in "Age of Innocence". In "Black Swan", she has three scenes and is mesmerizing in all of them, short as her screen time was. It wasn't my Winona Ryder, I thought. She's everything May is not: cruel, hateful, frightened, envious, shocking. All the external emotions she's never shown.
As for Portman, where do I begin? She's Natalie Portman and, for a good chunk of the movie, exactly what you'd expect from a very talented actress. Oh, but not really everything you'd expect, is it? She's got lots of subtlety to play with and she does amazing things with her eyes and neck that make you shudder just as much as the larger actions.
I'm not spoiling anything by saying the movie is about descent into madness. Nina is told by the choreographer, Thomas, that if he was casting the White Swan only, she was a shoo-in. She's ALL White Swan, but he wants a more visceral performance out of her. He's opening the season with "Swan Lake". "Done to death, I know," he says. "But not like this." He gives Nina the part, knowing full well she has a great deal of work to do to become the Black Swan.
Nina is terrifying and terrified. She's sexually repressed and always seems to be in a state of coitus interruptus. Well, I know I'd go mad if I was always on the verge of an orgasm just to have the stimulus pulled away from me. Just saying.
So she throws herself into the role. Thomas wants her to let go, Lily thinks she is going to be amazing, her mother is proud and supportive and turns on a dime to sabotage. Or does she? Is Lily really jealous and pretends to be encouraging and friendly? The movie isn't an enigma wrapped in a mystery but it's a mind-fuck all the same.
To say I wasn't disappointed is an understatement. I loved it with every pore of my being. I'd go back if I wasn't in the thick of finals prep. But that DVD is so mine when it comes out. Mine, I tell you! MINE!
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