terrors

I have a lot going on in my head these last few days. I am not happy with the reflection semester one's grades have on my ability, preparation and all-round general brilliance. I have been actively working to improve my approach and habits, even though it's only heading into the 3rd week of classes.

It starts from Day 1. But I'm wondering if I'm slipping back into complacency b/c work at the beginning of the semester is easier than it looks and I feel like I can handle it. I've already given up most of both days of the weekend and had a talk with John about putting more of myself into school and less at home. He's told me not to worry and assured me I don't need to feel overwhelmed or guilty about anything.

Overwhelmed. There is my biggest problem, the root from which all my depression grows. A long time ago, something bad happened and I just couldn't cope with it. I didn't know what to do, so I cried until it actually hurt my chest and I finally went to a doctor.

Over the years I've fought with it and mostly lost. The worst of it came when I moved to NY. I thought being a single mother, mostly friendless with no family or money or love or someone to lean on was the absolute worst thing that could happen to me. And it was. But moving here gave that sucker a real run for its money.

I don't think I was entirely over being alone with Derek. To be thrust into another huge life change just took it all out of me. I don't think I'm ever really going to let go of the terror I felt being so alone and being the only person a little person has to depend on, but I've let some things go over the last 5 years and I've certainly come to terms with the fact that there are things I CAN'T let go. It's now a part of who I am.

Making some kind of peace with myself and the husband has made me less afraid of not being able to cope. I've found that there isn't much that can overwhelm me.

Until now, that is.

I think about the work for the semester and it's no longer doing it week to week. Now it's about preparing for finals all the way. But there's more than that. There is a brief and an oral argument and client interviews. Plus looking for a job. It's so much. Just applying for jobs is a full-time gig and is a huge time-sucker. I've done everything for a Judicial Externship but finish my writing sample and I can't submit that till I meet with someone from the Writing Department, which is sometime this week. Then I have to meet with last semester's professors. Then I have to meet with my Career Advisor at some point.

Time-suckers. I still have to eat and sleep. And shower. And Derek.

Overwhelmed. I don't cope well with being overwhelmed. It terrifies me that I cannot control things, even thing I can objectively handle. I just frighten myself out of the ability.

Deep breath.