Sunday, August 29, 2010


So nearly all of the law school blogs I've been reading have a post about cold-calling. So why not me?

I'm very okay with being called on. I go to class prepared as hell and want to be called on. I have no issue with speaking in public and knowing I'm prepared as hell gives me even more confidence.

But, I'm 36 years old and faced my public speaking demons way back in high school and emerged victorious. My high school was an all girls Presbyterian high school in Trinidad, one of the best. While it had long since given up Home Economics and how to lay a table, it held on to 2 important things a young lady should know how to do: properly lift a chair and speak in public.

The former was taught on the very first day to your class by an older student and never discussed again. There was no need, because no one ever held a chair any other way ever again. Ever. Again.

The latter was a bit trickier. You really had to want to speak in front of people to get much out of it. But I think everyone had to speak out in class and did their best to overcome the fear. For the braver and talkier, there were 2 avenues open to you: debate competitions and taking assembly.

I was all about taking assembly. I lived for it. From 2nd form (about 13-14) and up, each class had to take assembly at least once for the term. There were 4 assembly days in every 6 and it a was supposed to be a different pair of girls at the podium each time. The entire class chose the topic and worked on it together (in theory) and the 2 girls taking the stage would do the final speech and present it.

My first one was so scary. I was still 12 and never stood in front of a huge crowd like that. 700+ girls, all of the teaching staff sitting on the stage to my right and the principal sitting next to the podium on my left. I don't remember what I spoke about, just that I loved it.

By the time I left school, I was taking the stage 2 or 3 times for my class, which I am sure my classmates appreciated because they didn't have to stand next to the P for 15 minutes while she checked out your shoes, nails and uniform belt. That was really the scary part: is my uniform exactly as it should be?

Those years were such a good foundation for me that even though years would pass before I ever had to speak in public again, I was always ready for it. I always write what I want to say and that helps no one.

I have no issue reading from the notes I made for myself when I get called on in class. I am not a memorizer so I write that shit down for a reason. I think a lot of people feel they need to sound off-the-cuff and not rehearsed. I am more eloquent with the written word and have no issue reading what I wrote. They are still my words.

I think I have some of the best 1L Profs. If you tell them before class you aren't prepared, they won't call on you. They will make a note of it but you get 2 free passes before it begins to affect your standing. One of them said just a note with a name will suffice, a reason isn't needed.

Another problem is many of the young'uns haven't had any kind of public speaking experience in undergrad and getting called on for the first time can feel like death. The thought of getting called on makes them start to shake. And the Profs don't just ask one question. If they start with you on one case, they keep at you, or keep coming back to you even after volunteers are called on.

It's pretty clear who likes to talk. Most people have something to say, so Profs take volunteers a lot. It's still early in the semester, so I don't know if Profs are going to recognize the talkers and call on them a lot when they volunteer and cold-call the ones who don't. They don't know most names-to-faces as yet, so sometimes a person who has volunteer several answers or points gets called on in the same class. I kinda wish the Prof would give that person a break and call on someone else. Not because she's not brilliant, but just to hear someone else's point of view. I'm sure no one agrees with me on that point. If that person is being called on, it lessens the chances of someone else being called on!

I know at least 2 of my Profs knows my name and my face. I am making sure that one of them is going to know my face real good. I have to find a way to get the 3rd to know me but I'm not really having a problem in that class, so I might have to make one up.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

stroking myself

Since this is my blog, I am going to indulge in some serious onanistic behavior.

I am super fucking smart and am loving being in law school. I feel exactly the same way I felt as an undergrad. Fucking brilliant.

Not that I am not surrounded by some stunning brilliance as well. There's a guy in my classes who I am dying to ask to be in a study group with me, but I don't like the guy he hangs out with and I'm afraid if I ask him he might want to ask his friend and I can already see we will get away. His overinflated sense of superiority cannot co-exist with mine. It's that simple. I'm the king.

So I'm in K and the Prof is asking his questions and I'm answering a few and he just moves on after I answer. So... dude, am I doing it wrong? Give me some feedback here! But, then I begin to notice that it's the people who aren't hitting the nail on the head that he's on, and the case we're discussing is one of my favorites, I realize that he's not hanging around to stroke the people who are hitting the nail on the head. And who's an accurate nail-on-the-head hitter. MOI! Boo-yah!

It truly helps that I love that class. What is it about contracts that gets my blood pumping? I have no idea. I loved dealing with them at The New Press, I loved the class at LP and I'm loving this. I'm a little concerned that I might wind up spending a disproportionate amount of time on this class, but, then again, it's 3 days a week and is 4 credits. It needs the extra time.

Civ Pro is cool. I just found out that I don't need to memorize the entire rule book, that we will get one on the day of the exam. Whew. But I am trying to climb all over Rule 8, 11 and Rule 12(b)(6).

Torts, I just love. I thought it would be my toughest class b.c of all the elements required to bring a case: you have to satisfy every element and who can remember them all? But, I'm liking this Prof's teaching style and I've exercised some brilliance in his class as well.

So here's where I gripe. And if you don't like it, go read someone else's blog. I dislike people who answer the question they want and not the question they hear. Why do people do that? It was pounded into my brain since Common Entrance to answer the question in front of me. That kind of shit just keeps everyone back and I start to lose interest.

I'm torn b/w helping people, getting into a study group and other social mores. I don't always feel very social. This morning I got off the train actually thinking that I hate people. I'm not always thrilled to be sitting by myself in the cafeteria, but I'm not 12, so I cope. I manage to get a lot of work done and I do enjoy my own company. Always have.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

library day

I spent my first Sunday at the NYLS library. I don't think I can be any more prepared for tomorrow as I am right now. Will law school be over tomorrow?

I took Pie to breakfast at a neighborhood diner. It was our special little birthday breakfast because I won't be seeing much of him on his actual birthday, this coming Thursday. I'll be home for cake and see him open his present from me and John, but that's about it.

He ate the middle of one chocolate chip pancake and all the bacon. He also made me get him a Coolata from Dunkin Donuts, which John says tastes like cough syrup, but Le Pie loves. I forewent a taste.

I've been craving banana pancakes for weeks and I finally got some. They were delicious.

Then I dropped Der back home and headed off to school. It was so quiet today. From tomorrow, classes start for the entire school, so the place will be jumping, in a pleasant way until finals, when they might have to scrape people off the walls. The caffeine consumption alone in that place is scary. People drink huge coffees with a side of Mocha shot or Red Bull. I'm not exaggerating. This was on the 2nd day of Orientation! I've never had a Red Bull in my life and I do not intend to start now. My sleep is fucked as it is.

I managed to get through my entire week of K classes today. I'm up to 2 classes for Civ Pro and Torts, so I decided to head home. It was a very productive day. I'm hoping to be able to take Saturdays off and not have to sacrifice my sleep too much. I don't plan to go to bed much later than 11, since I have to be up at 6. We'll see how that goes.

Saturday, August 21, 2010


I hardly ever write about celebrities and mostly keep my opinions about those I admire b/w me and my husband. However, I have to put down somewhere how disgusted I am by S*pencer P*ratt (I'm hoping to avoid him coming here when he Google's himself while he has his morning whatever).

He describes himself as a "fame whore" but there's got to be a worse word for him. There are ways to use your celebrity (such as his is) to be famous without resorting to the steps he's taking. Just ask Paris Hilton. He says he is Christian, but he's shopping his sex-tape around? Is it any wonder his wife (no great brain there either, but clearly realized his shit stank worse than most) left him? Living with him must have been exhausting.

This kid is the worst representation of celeb-reality there could be. Not than any of the others aren't trying to catch up. The only reality tv show I watch is "Dancing with the Stars" and even though the "Stars" are somewhat fallen, at least they are working their asses off at something physical. And there is no on-screen drama b/w the players. It's about the dancing and the love. Mostly. I refuse to mention her name here, but we all know who I mean when I say, "poor Tony Dovolani".

But back to this brat. Shopping around a sex tape he made with his wife? How low can you get? Doesn't he have parents? Or a conscience? I once saw an interview with him (I forget on what channel but I think Wendy Williams was on the panel) and his wife over the Al Roker drama. His wife honestly said she had no control over him when Williams pointed out that she had some responsibility for his actions. He agreed. He listened to no one.

He is truly sickening and the media, will claiming to be equally sick of him, still write about him and show clips of his antics. It's not often I wish for a media blackout on someone, but I wish he would just disappear.

Friday, August 20, 2010

that recap i mentioned

So, as I was saying before I got all side-tracked, Wednesday and Thursday of this week were pretty good.

I had my first official class on Thursday: my small section Civ Pro met. It's so great when you can walk into a class knowing you know the material and when you raise your hand, something intelligent comes out. I had a great experience and we have a terrific prof. I heard some people in a small section Torts class had a brutal experience with their prof. Yikes. I am kinda expecting that with my K prof, so I am doing my best to be super-duper prepared for his classes. Plus, it helps that I love reading the K cases and doing the work. Ask me again at the end of next week if I still feel the same way.

After Civ Pro, we had the convocation ceremony in the auditorium. Basically, it's a ceremony that officially welcomes you to law school and no one actually tells you that you can't ask for your tuition back after that! I guess I'd keep that a secret as well.

I was exhausted during that thing and struggled not just to stay awake, but not fall asleep. That I found more brutal than my Civ Pro class. There were short speeches by the Dean and the head of the Student Bar Association. However, the next speaker went on and on about why we came to law school and NYLS in particular. Um... I know why I came. I certainly know why I picked the school. Was that the best you could have done with your time? It wasn't unhelpful. by any means, it just seemed out of place for a convocation ceremony.

The President of the Board of Trustees was a NYLS alum and been in the biz for 51 years. They should have let him speak earlier, because he I wanted to hear. Honestly, I cannot remember much about his speech right now, but I tried to pay attention because, hey, 51 years as a lawyer is some serious staying power.

Then I stood in a rather chaotic line (I use the word loosely) for tiny cupcakes and fruit, and only because I was starving. I figured I would grab a bite to sustain me and then head home. I was so tired I could hardly stand.

I had almost reached the top step, when I think I might have dozed off. Seriously. I closed my eyes and they jerked open when my slipper hit the edge of the step and I went crashing down. I heard someone ask if I was all right and I think I said yes but looked up for the help. Not a body moved. I was stunned. If I saw someone fall, I'd at least stand up and make sure they were moving on their own steam and not just immediately go back to my chatting because she mumbled something. I was even more stunned because I actually needed the help. I hit my knee pretty damn hard on the step and I had to drop everything in order to hold on to the rail to stand up.

I began to make my way to locker sub-zero when I felt some breeze around my left knee. I looked down and saw a tear in my nice new black skinny jeans! Grrr. I rounded the corner by the student organization offices' when both the pain hit and the realization there was something wet running down my shin.

I walked into the Stonewall office and Rachel, who amazingly went to nursing school, managed to stop the bleeding and dress the cut without making the tear in my pants any bigger. It was truly a feat. I heard someone ask how do people in other law schools make out because Rachel goes to NYLS. I heartily concur.

The adrenaline from the whole experience managed to get me to the curb of 185 Broadway and into a cab. And that's when I realized exactly how sleepy I really was. I made it home in mostly one piece, redressed my knee and went to sleep. When I woke up, my leg from the knee down was in agony. Today is a bit better, but I decided to stay off of it for a while.

Derek has not had an easy time with Mummy doing this law school business, as I've been home late every night, only able to put him to bed. I'm so tired when I get in, that he reads me a story from his Iron Man book. I can't be picky. Tomorrow, we take him to Victoria Gardens, and if I don't go he will disown me and buy a new Mummy at the Mummy Store. Plus, I want to get to the library on Sunday for a few hours to go over my K and Civ Pro notes for Monday's class. Despite the trials (no pun intended!), I am liking my new life.

bringing my perspective to law school

It's been a pretty memorable week, to say the least.

Wednesday was much better than Tuesday, depression-wise. I met up with some FB friends and I think I spent most of that day just laughing. So not a whole lot of studying! There was a Legal Process class, a library tour and an Alumni event, all of which was surprising fun.

After LP, the 2 profs stuck around to chat with some students. I stayed in my seat to see if my neighbor could get into the portal or use my access to get her info. Another FB friend came up and introduced himself and we just stayed there, chatting. The profs thought we might have been waiting to speak to them, so they came over to ask. We wound up talking about the amendment to the 14th Amendment re children of illegal immigrants born in the US no longer automatically being citizens.

I told them that, as an immigrant, I carry around a great deal of guilt that I don't throw my lot in with immigrant issues across the board because I did things the right way. I married for love and my husband adopted my biological child out of love. We had a lawyer, filled out the right forms, produced what we needed to produce and survived the hearings and interviews and the CIS bureaucracy.

But, in spite of that, I feel the same way any person who comes to live in the States, especially NY, feels: lost and alone. I flailed along for years trying to figure this place out, learn trains and buses, walking on a different side of the street, etc. And that's just logistics. Trinidad is a very different place, with a very different atmosphere. I felt like I was learning a new language.

Aside: this is one reason I feel so ready for law school. I'm not sure I conquered NY, but in the almost-five years I've been here, I've come a long way. Law school IS a whole new language and set of experiences, but they very much parallel my way since I moved here and I don't feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not as unprepared as I could have been, hence, I feel more confident in my approach to everything. Plus, being older has its perks.

However, because I did everything the right way and I didn't come to the US looking for a "better life" (although, God knows, I have one) and never had any desire to come here, I don't feel as strongly about the rights of illegal immigrants as the illegals do. I'm not sure I feel, as a group, they automatically deserve the rights of naturalized citizens or permanent residents: the people who did it the right way;, who waited years for their paperwork to drip its way down the channels like molasses on a hot day; who paid the ridiculous sums of money at each stage of filing; who sweated out interviews with the CIS.

I am not thrilled at the move to amend the 14th Amendment either, especially if the thinking behind it is to control the influx of illegals: your kids born here are as illegal as you are, so don't born them here. I do realize my perspective on this is not the same as I am here legally, from the minute I stepped off the plane. I am also going to seek citizenship next year, with help from my immigration lawyer. How can I identify with people who left their homelands to look for a better life for their children? I'm not sure I can.

I didn't get into all this because I have an interest in immigration law. Constitutional Law, yes, but after going through the immigration stuff, I had no desire to get any further into it. But one of the professors suggested I talk to another professor who is big in the immigration law dance, and I think I will. It definitely couldn't hurt keep my options open, even if it's just to offer advice to friends down the road.

I intended this post to be about Wednesday and Thursday of this week, but it took on a life of it's own. I'll post about the rest of orientation week later.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

welcome to law school blogging

I don't think I like the word "blawg". Two law school blogs that I read on a regular basis use that spelling, but I been blogging longer than them 2 fellas born, so I figure I can spell it right and overlook the foilbles of today's youth.

Yes, I felt my age today. I have many things to write about but the problem is that when you write a blog that you hope people read is that people might actually read it. After hearing a lecture today about moral fitness and personal character, I choose to err on the side of caution and not bad talk people.

I do have to say though that I did have one disappointing experience today with someone who agreed to meet me and never showed up or apologized. It hurt me that I showed up an hour before I was supposed to and had to sit down like a mooks. I could have slept later and left home later. It made me oddly stressed out when she didn't show or call or email. Thankfully, I took my Contracts books with me and managed to get some work done in the hour. I choose not to have that one stain tar a school I actually love. I'll get over it and I think it's because I'm tired and every nerve is sitting at the surface, all raw and red, that I am stinging from it more than I should.

I also feel like I am too old to deal with shit. I have this weird notion that I have only so much time in which to do the things I want to do and even though I have the same 3 years as all my classmates I feel the need to get more out of it or something. That's not explaining it well. I just feel like the attitude I had at 21 isn't in me anymore.

Come to think of it, I was a pretty serious student at 21. And me at 21 didn't feel like I had the world at my feet. I felt pretty constricted by my circumstances. Now, actually, I feel like I have more open to me.

But I am 36 years old and I want to be able to take my career where I want to take it. I don't want to settle. Not with this. I've decided I don't want to cut corners or make compromises in this thing.

But, I digress. I meant to write about my day, my first day, at law school. It wasn't an easy day, in the sense that I felt very alone in a room full of people. I felt that way all day. I tried hard to shake the feeling, shake the hand crawling up my throat but I could feel it closing and squeezing. It's been such a long time since I've had to fight that particular feeling. It contributed to the feeling of exhaustion, along with the heat and the heavy bag. Oh, and the shoes that gave me blisters. You know who is wearing her slippers tomorrow!

But, oddly enough, I was happy to be there. I was happy when I was studying. I am looking foward to classes starting next week. Bring it, motherfuckers!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

gettin' ready

I woke up at 6 this morning. Actually, I was already awake when my alarm went off. I felt sick, stuffy and was coughing. I really hope it's just an allergy and not a cold. Miss Kayrein is coming tomorrow and I don't need to be sick now.

I decided last night, in between this toss and that turn, that I should move my books and stuff downstairs to my desk. I cleaned everything off my desk except the sexy beast. I'm not sure what to do with it so I'm leaving it there for the time being. Louisa is more mobile, and the desk has a pull-out drawer, so there is space to use it there.

I put the books in piles by course on a shelf. I managed to use the space as a temporary storage area for them until better can be done.

I'd actually much prefer to be upstairs, but the layout of the flat really prevents that. Plus, my office chair is more comfortable than the sofas and I can always lodge myself on the bed. I'm really hoping I won't have to bring work home, but, like I said, I've seen the size of the lockers at NYLS. I'm not sure it can hold what I plan for it to hold!

I vacuumed the living daylights out of the downstairs living room when I was done. I threw out a lot of paper: so much that I had to bring a recycling bin liner downstairs to stuff everything in! I'm going to deal with upstairs in a while. I'm tired now and I'm hoping to get some Contracts work in today so I can relax tomorrow.

Friday, August 13, 2010

took a tour

NYLS offered a tour for students' friends and family this afternoon, so I took John and Pie. Pie's been before, so he was all over the place like an old hand. You'd think he was a student there.

I saw another family with little kids, so when Dean Perez divided the large group into 3 I sidled up into his group, thinking Der could have a little company. Well, I never saw those kids again and since Derek was walking around so confidently, I didn't have to worry.

Dean Perez came to tell me hi and that he read my blog. I immediately wanted to say that I'd take it down! But he said it was great and I was so embarrassed that I forgot to introduce John! Being singled out in a crowd was a little unnerving. It's easy to say and do stuff over the Internet. I didn't even recognize anyone I've been chatting with on FB.

The tour went great and this time I got to see where the lockers are (Lord, help me to find them again). I was a bit disappointed in the size. They are the size of a gym locker and I was hoping for bigger. If only to hold my winter coat! That fucker is huge! Ah well, if that's all I gots to complain about, so be it.

We also got taken from the new building over to the old one, which I'd not done on any other tour. I toured the old building over a year ago, when I was looking at law schools in the City. I loved NYLS even then.

The whole tour got me so excited to start on Tuesday. I forgot the days I just gave up to read and do assignments and just wanted to be in that beautiful building. I am going to have to go deep underground in the liberry to study, because if I sit anywhere else, I am going to just gape out the windows.

John liked the place a lot. He said it was beautiful and commented on how welcoming the atmosphere was in the school.

Then we went to check out the bookstore. There were also lots of people from the tour who came to get their books today, so it was really crowded. I been there so often, I was actually able to help. I might have to start charging this school! Anyhoo, I found a couple of books I missed and saw all the Legal Writing books were out, so I bought 'em. I spent nearly $500 in books this afternoon.

I think I am going to take a break from studying tonight. Tomorrow, I return to the salt mines.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

the son luck club

I was reading the latest post over on and thanking the good God I have 2 sons. Yes, Chris is a teenager and we have our issues that go way back, but I love him and respect the hell out of him for being the kind of man I know I wanted him to be.

Unless I bite the big one, I am going to have to deal with Le Pie's teenage years. So far, he's still my little boy. Too much so, sometimes. Last night, I was watching Eddie Izzard on Netflix and he came and sat on the stool in front of me and just stared at me. For no reason, he said. He just wanted to be near me. I had to tell him that he has to give me some space when he sees me doing something that doesn't involve him.

Even as I was saying the words, my heart was breaking. He's been like a limpet attached to me for weeks, months now. He told me yesterday that he won't see me again for 3 years when I start school. I laughed and told him he'd see me every day. But I know what he meant. It won't be me and my little guy any more.

I've tried to make our time together this summer fun and memorable, for both of us, but it's been a double-edged sword. I've always liked liming with Pie, the same way I loved liming with Chris when he was small. I love the conversations we have, how they talk to me about stuff that I have no clue about but they think I do and just like talking to me about it. Chris was a riot at 7 and so is Pie.

Pie is so much fun to be around when we go out. He makes the most mundane task way more interesting just by being present. He's learning to give me my space when I am studying and pretty much leaves me alone. He goes downstairs and parks his butt at his Daddy's computer, turns on the tv and forgets all about moi. The main distractions at home are the tv and fridge! And when John is working from home, b/c Pie cannot be downstairs and gets bored.

The first year of law school is going to be the hardest, and most time-consuming. I need to do well and I need to be away from home to achieve that. Leaving John to single-parent it out when I have papers, midterms and finals is going to be tough. Not seeing Derek will be tougher. I need my piece of Pie to get through my life.

School starts in exactly one week. I need to get ahead of my reading at least by a week, which means that this week is devoted to Civ Pro and Contracts and not much else. I really want to kick the cooking and laundry to the curb. I'm happy to eat Crix and cheese (or the US equivalent, whatever that may be) and buckle down. But I simply cannot ignore John and Derek.

Plus, Kayrein comes to visit this weekend and I need a dose of home before next Tuesday. Which means that I have to finish the work I set myself by Thursday. And today is Tuesday. And the Pie has had no breakfast yet. Sigh.

And he just came to ask me if we can go to Coney Island this weekend. Double sigh.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

bitch bitch bitch

With only 2 courses assigning material for the semester, I already feel swamped. I'm hoping to have at least the first week's reading for Civ Pro and Contracts done by the time school starts. I've taken to leaving the house or locking myself in the bedroom when I need to focus.

I've done one book for Civ Pro, but haven't answered the set questions or any of the other reading. And this is just for the first class... not the first week.

I've done reading from 2 books for Contracts, again just for the first class. I still have another piece of reading to prepare for it. Nothing has come for Torts and that worries me.

It doesn't help that Derek is talking non-stop to me these days. I cannot wait till he goes back to school so at least I have some time at home to read in peace. Sometimes, leaving the house is the only way to get some quiet, despite the Starbucks experience yesterday where not even my iPod could drown out that wretched music.

I think my shopping is going to done by today. I've bought all the books I could buy for now. I have Louisa the laptop and the Keen bookbag. I have some new clothes and plan to go to Target today to get some more. J&R Music World is also a stop to get an optical drive for Louisa. I think I own every pen in the world!

I do look forward to school starting. The first week seems a nice mix of class and welcoming events. Part of me wants it to start now and part of me thinks I could use another couple of weeks to come to terms with it! There is no pleasing me.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

overwhelmed much?

So I got my schedule, section assignments and some assigned reading this week. The first day was just elation at getting stuff we should have got a week before and sharing with other NYLS-ers on FB. That was quite thrilling. We were all so excited, it was beyond cute.

Then a phone conversation with a classmate made me realize there was so much I didn't look at in the info they sent. We got access to the NYLS portal, where everything school-related will be kept. I just looked at the first week schedule and the reading assignments. I didn't even know the schedule for the entire semester was posted until I read an evening student's question about making it to a 4 o'clock class.

NYLS created a FB page for admitted students and it has been a boon. I've had so many questions and the goodly people I will be sharing the Mendik liberry with for the next 3 years have come through in spades. So have the student advocates from NYLS. And there are no stupid questions, let me tell you.

I finally found my schedule this afternoon and had to email my advocate to ask her if TR meant Tuesday and Thursday or just Tuesday. I was building my schedule to put up at home and I was awfully chuffed at the thought of having Tuesdays off. Unfortunately, it was not to be. I did also discover that I wasn't the only one flailing in that sea of confusion! I was a little relieved.

I've been trying to be calm and approach the reading the way I supposed to. So far, I have most of my Civ Pro books and have been reading "Storming the Court", which I'm about halfway through. I am hoping to create a timetable to share myself with all my reading and the boys. John had a look at my schedule and I can drop Pie to school Tues and Thurs and pick him up on Wed and Fri. I really hope this works out. I find I have to force myself to think about the other things in my life and recognize they need my attention as well.

On a lighter note, my sexy bookbag is arriving tomorrow, as well as some of my books. I ordered one from the NYLS bookstore and plan to head down tomorrow to pick it up. I'm also going to try to do some work while Le Pie is home... we'll see how that goes.