Wednesday, May 27, 2009

the last chronicles - endurance

I'm in the home stretch, but it doesn't feel like it. It's May 27 and the exam is on June 8. I have my last tutoring session this morning and Tutor is going to go over LR questions in the assumption family, where I am still have problems less than 2 weeks before the test. This worries me.

I'm a little tired of class and going to class. It's not that I am not learning and find the work done instructive, I'm just tired of going. There is no bond with this class as there was with others and half the class isn't even taking the test in June. I don't know why that bothers me. I think I wish the class could be a little more intense and I feel it's getting a bit laid-back. Maybe it's me who should be more intense.

Still, I am very glad I took the class. Kaplan knows its stuff and Tutor is, naturally, a heavy advocate of the method. On occasion, rare ones, that does get a bit annoying, especially when someone suggests a small deviation that has been found helpful. I did that once and I felt he was quick to knock it down without really giving it some thought. He said if I found it to work, I can go ahead but he made it clear that it was an aberration and one else should give it a go. I found myself feeling more insulted than I should. 

I suppose he should be advocating anything other than the method because, as he himself pointed out about another matter, people who didn't do well would be very happy to blame Kaplan for something and sue.

That really depresses me. Shit like that makes me miss home more than ever. I come across thinking like that so very often and it makes me retreat into myself. I really feel like I am losing myself in this country. It's been too long since I've been home and I need a shot of Trinidad like I need my caffeine every morning. It does not help that one of my closest friends keeps asking me to come home tomorrow. I want to, honey. More than these inadequate words can describe.

I must try to compartmentalize that until June 8. No birthday, no Trinidad. But I made the choice and I am committed. I am not dealing with anything that I did not know was going to happen. I can do this.