Yes, I felt my age today. I have many things to write about but the problem is that when you write a blog that you hope people read is that people might actually read it. After hearing a lecture today about moral fitness and personal character, I choose to err on the side of caution and not bad talk people.
I do have to say though that I did have one disappointing experience today with someone who agreed to meet me and never showed up or apologized. It hurt me that I showed up an hour before I was supposed to and had to sit down like a mooks. I could have slept later and left home later. It made me oddly stressed out when she didn't show or call or email. Thankfully, I took my Contracts books with me and managed to get some work done in the hour. I choose not to have that one stain tar a school I actually love. I'll get over it and I think it's because I'm tired and every nerve is sitting at the surface, all raw and red, that I am stinging from it more than I should.
I also feel like I am too old to deal with shit. I have this weird notion that I have only so much time in which to do the things I want to do and even though I have the same 3 years as all my classmates I feel the need to get more out of it or something. That's not explaining it well. I just feel like the attitude I had at 21 isn't in me anymore.
Come to think of it, I was a pretty serious student at 21. And me at 21 didn't feel like I had the world at my feet. I felt pretty constricted by my circumstances. Now, actually, I feel like I have more open to me.
But I am 36 years old and I want to be able to take my career where I want to take it. I don't want to settle. Not with this. I've decided I don't want to cut corners or make compromises in this thing.
But, I digress. I meant to write about my day, my first day, at law school. It wasn't an easy day, in the sense that I felt very alone in a room full of people. I felt that way all day. I tried hard to shake the feeling, shake the hand crawling up my throat but I could feel it closing and squeezing. It's been such a long time since I've had to fight that particular feeling. It contributed to the feeling of exhaustion, along with the heat and the heavy bag. Oh, and the shoes that gave me blisters. You know who is wearing her slippers tomorrow!
But, oddly enough, I was happy to be there. I was happy when I was studying. I am looking foward to classes starting next week. Bring it, motherfuckers!