a womb of my own

I decided to name my new laptop Louisa and my new mouse Jane, after Jane and Louisa Will Soon Come Home, a book I read at university and just loved. It was about a woman putting her life back together, bit by bit and the structure reflects her fractured soul. It also introduced me to the concept of the kumbla and how I can make one of my own.

I am my own kumbla. I thought I wanted a different one, but over the years, I realized I was never going to be able to separate myself from myself without a great deal of pain and my only refuge was my kumbla. I live separate lives inside of myself and now I will be beginning a whole new part to one of those lives, or both. But my kumbla remains. It comforts me when I am sad, picks me up when I am low and loves me in spite of myself.

Jane and Louisa are new parts to remind me of the old.

letting go

In b/w moving from the Guardian to the other paper, I had about 6 weeks or so to myself. I thought that I would try to be a grown-up and let go of some shit. One of the biggest pieces of shit was my sister, whom I hadn't spoken to since I found out I was pregnant with my older son, about 6 years before. I called her up and went to see her.

We got back in touch and hung out for about a year or so. Things had changed b/w us, obviously. I was older, and not the baby sister who could be ordered about to do things. I also no longer revered her like she was my world. In my head, she was just my sister, flaws and all.

Then I got pregnant with Le Pie, whose father was a black man with dreads. One phone call from here where she used a derogatory word and I never spoke to her again. I was hardly heartbroken.

During my pregnancy with Christophene, I mourned the fact that my mother and sister were not around to help me. I was angry about that for years. With the Pie, not so much. Despite severe depression, I didn't really care about her or my mother's reaction to the baby.

But that didn't mean that I wasn't hurt by their reactions to me. I cut my sister out of my life, but not my mother. I've always had this irrational guilt where she was concerned, which abated somewhat when the Pie came in the picture, but I always held on to the fact that she was my mother and I should care about her.

But her love was conditional, and it made mine conditional as well. I don't blame myself for that. If you don't receive something from someone, how can you give it back? My whole life, I've believed in one thing: treat others how you want to be treated. When John tries to fuck with me, I used to do my best not to retaliate, but after 5 years, I give back. When my mother hangs up the phone in a tantrum. I stopped calling back, and even hung up once myself.

One morning, a few months ago, I woke up and everything to do with the two of them just fell away. There was no pain or hurt anymore. I genuinely didn't care. I used to be sad that Pie didn't have his grandmother, and she is a good grandma. But now he has John's Mum and she is terrific. I love my sisters-in-law to pieces. I consider them my family. John's Mum treats me better than my own mother, how can I not love her?

I write my mother a letter every couple of months, full of mostly nothing news: I'm studying, Pie and John are fine, it's hot here... etc etc. It's about all I can do now. I say I have 4 brothers and a sister, but so what? I don't know where one brother is, I don't care where my sister is, one brother and I exchange phone calls once a year at Christmas, one brother is in Canada and might be rearing sheep for all the news I get from him and my other brother, my favorite, has been the greatest thing in my life. No one has ever been more supportive of anything I do, not my mother, not my husband, not even myself. At my lowest, financially, emotionally, mentally, he has always been there with "how can we get this done" and never "you cannot do that". I have no guilt about calling him my favorite.

Letting go of shit I held on to since I was 16 made me feel so much different. I actually felt like a different person. My whole outlook changed. I feel so much more open now.

Making the decision to go to law school definitely helped. It was a decision I made on my own. Naturally, John had a say in the finances and the timing, but holding on to it and making it real was all me. I'm not doing it for anyone (at least right now) but myself. I only have to impress myself. I do not intend to fail.

The only other thing, at least the next very big thing, I need to let go off is the battering I took living with my older son's family. A lot of that dissipated over the last few months emailing my son and just talking to him, sometimes in a one-sided way. I want him to be proud of his Mum.

In light of all these things, I'm making some more tangible changes. I've had 5 years at home to get fat and lazy and I loved it. It hasn't been an easy 5 years but medication helped. Reading books and learning about the City helped. Friends visiting and going back to Trinidad this year has been a life-saver. And there will always be GusIda and IdaGus and a snowy day at the Central Park Zoo with a woman I love.

So I'm trying to be less of a sour puss. I've changed my diet and the results have already been remarkable. I sleep better because I eat a lighter dinner and I've completely cut out soda (again) and snack on fruit and yogurt. I've even learned to like nuts! Still not in food, but I ate a handful mid-afternoon during Law Preview and it really helped to get me through.

And I do need to start writing again, exorcise some of the lingering shit. I need to make this my outlet again. Law school is going to be tough, even though I am doing my best to alleviate some of the pressure from now. I need to find something to do for myself as well.

golly gosh

I was writing to a new law school chum yesterday and as we were exchanging blather about coursework, it hit me that law school is just weeks away. Two weeks ago, I was chomping at the bit to get my new laptop and books and reading assignments. Today, I am seeing each nerve joining a small bundle in my stomach.

I am still reading the book. It's been on hold b/c the boys were both home last week and today a friend from Trinidad is meeting me. I am so happy to see her.

I'm also trying to change my diet. After years of hounding me to include more vegetables in our diet, I am finally listening to the husband. We all love green beans, but Pie might be in love with them. I am yet to eat a green bean. I bought some fresh yesterday, so I am hoping I can steal some tonight.

I also bought these huge, gorgeous bell peppers to stir-fry with some beef strips. I am trying to ease up on rice and pasta as well. I like bread too much to give that up. I am also hoping that distracting myself with this little project will ease those jumpy nerves a bit.

Also, I am stalking my new laptop online. I have these bursts of "BUY A MAC", but I'm trying to stay the PC course and not vomit. The Sony Vaio Y series is lovely and I do like it a lot. I'm hoping it gets here next week... once I actually buy it. I have to reimburse family funds for it so we have to make sure we take care of other commitments before spending on a laptop. So far, I'm storing my notes on Goggle Docs to make the transition easier when the new machine gets here.

And I have a sore throat that won't go away.

my top 5 "avatar: the last airbender" episodes

In no particular order.

1. "The Ember Island Players"
I laughed my ass off every time Toph opened her mouth in this one. I didn't want to believe her when she said that the play was dead-on characterizations but when I was watching the series over from the beginning, I realized Katara was always full of hope and even though the acting was exaggerated in the play, it wasn't wrong. The Katara-Zuko "romance" is also very funny.

2. "Tales of Ba Sing Se"
The Momo dance. I'd leave it at that but Iroh's sweet song to his son breaks my heart and makes me cry. Every time I catch myself singing it, I think of Le Pie and must kiss his face.

3. "Sozin's Comet: Avatar Ang"
It's really Sokka, Suki and Toph's take-down of the fleet that does it for me in this ep. I love how protective Sokka is of Toph and how take-charge he is. And how he grows as a warrior but still sucks as an artist. I also love hearing him say "hair loopies". And Katara finally gets her head out of her fussy britches and returns Ang's love.

4. "The Siege of the North: Part 2"
Zhao eats it. Angry Avatar Ang merges with the Ocean Spirit and saves the Nothern Water Tribe. Great battle scene and I love watching Katara fight and Iroh step away from the tea cup.

5. "The Blind Bandit" & "The Firebending Masters"
A little cheat because I cannot decide b/w the 2. The introduction to Toph really sets the tone for the rest of the season and her individuality stands out. My favorite line in the entire series comes from "The Guru" when she tells her kidnappers, "I'm the greatest earth bender in the world and don't you two dunderheads forget it." And the next episode is about Zuko re-discovering his fire bending and learning the dragon dance. The husband and the Pie do the dance and it is very cute.

housing & budget workshop

Housing
Things to consider when looking for a place in NY.

- What can you afford? If you're going through a realtor, give him a figure you're comfortable with. Look at all your expenses and see if your rent is going to limit them in some way.

- Make the roommate decision before hunting. Decide if you're capable of sharing a place with one or more people and try to find them and discuss your budget and where you'd like to live. Also, try to be honest in what you can live with and what will drive you bat-shit crazy.

- NY is a big place and you don't have to confine yourself to Manhattan. Wherever you decide to live, look around and familiarize yourself with the neighborhood.

-Take public transportation into consideration. Make sure you say you want a place close to a subway line. The 1 takes you a block away from the school etc etc

-Be open with your realtor about what you want and need from an apartment. 1Ls spend most of the day at the school, so you need a place that will give you an opportunity to relax, be quiet enough to study, is well-lit and safe. Take into consideration laundry, internet, cable and whatever else you deem necessary.

-Give feedback to the realtor about places you've seen: you liked this and hated that. It will help him narrow his field of search for you and show him you are serious about the search and not just wasting his time while you troll Craigslist.

-Be careful of Craigslist. Many times the apartment listed is "no longer available" and they have a more expensive place to sucker you into.

- If you're coming from out of state, tell the realtor when you plan to visit NY and have him schedule the places you might be interested in seeing. Have him send it to you, along with photos, and strike what you can from your home state. If it's out of your price range, strike. You won't want to waste time during a short visit and you'd want to leave knowing you have a place to live.

- Have your paperwork ready. If you love the place, chances are someone else will, too. As the student-tenant, you need photo ID and proof of being a student. You will also need a guarantor, even if you've worked your entire life and plan to play for the place out of your own savings, the landlord will require a guarantor, by virtue of the fact that you are a student. Your guarantor will need to have his previous year's tax returns, should be able to show he has 80 times the rent (depends on the landlord), his bank statement and 2 current pay stubs. Find out before you go to see the place of you need anything else and start ensuring your guarantor can put these documents in your hand when you leave so you can give it to the realtor/landlord as soon as you see the place you want.

Budget

-You financial aid (see below) is only calculated for 9 months. Only if you are in classes over the summer, will you get any money. I'm trying to see if I can restructure it for 12 and live within my means! It's important to me not to touch the Hwang family money for law school stuff. That's what the loan is for.

-Factor in your additional costs. The school can help with the purchase of a laptop, health insurance premiums and child care. This will increase your financial aid/loan. You must purchase the laptop during the school term. If you buy if on August 17, you take the receipt to the Financial Aid office and they will notify you when the reimbursement check comes in. You are only allowed one laptop per student for your career at NYLS. Child care is only for the time that is given up because you are attending law school: eg, you were a stay-at-home parent and need daycare for your baby.

-Check www.studentloans.gov to see the status of your Direct Graduate Plus loan. I had many questions that Jade Kolb answered for me. She took me into her office and checked my status in front of me. Because banks no longer give out student loans, this federal loan business is new to the school and the first year it's in full application. But Jade was very patient in talking me through the steps I had taken and assured me I was set and my tuition is going to be paid. This is hard for me to explain and one of the reasons I was so paranoid about it is because it was so foreign to me and I couldn't seem to ask the proper questions that would satisfy me. Actually seeing the information in front me was exactly what I needed.

-In case you lost your financial aid letter (like I did) here is the breakdown of expenses
$46,460 - tuition
$17,082 - room & board (board is whatever fees and bills you pay for upkeep)
$1,300 - books and supplies
$3,510 - personal expenses (cell phone bill, groceries etc)
$801 - transportation (a monthly metro card for subway and bus use)

-There's a 4% fee for the graduate plus loan and that's per year. The loan interest rate is 7.9% and that's fixed for the 17 years you have to pay it. Go to annualcreditreport.com for an actual free credit report.

-We get a copy card the first week of school and are given 300 free copies.

-Everyone who attended the workshop got a cute NYLS lunchbag to encourage us to brown-bag it over buying food in Tribeca!

gettin' started

So, since I'm waiting for the book to arrive, and feeling bad that I am reading a novel, and knowing that the book covers one case and its procedures, I thought I'd research the case and write something in order to (1) familiarize myself with it and (2) build up some typing speed.

The long and tall of it is that federal courts have to apply state law in cases where diversity jurisdiction applies. Now what is diversity jurisdiction, you ask? Well, let's see if I have to ask LP for my money back because I didn't learn nothing.

Diversity jurisdiction applies when both the plaintiff and the defendant come from two different jurisdictions: eg, one is from New York and the other is from Idaho. Now, who decides where the case is heard and which state law is applied is case-dependent. If the infraction occurs in NY vs the P by the D, then the P can sue D in NY and NY laws applies. P has the choice of making it a federal or state issue but if he decides on federal court, that court has to apply applicable state law and cannot create federal common law.

Think I got it! At least I got diversity jurisdiction!

put-put--sputter

I got my first reading assignment for school today. An email came with a buncha information and a book for Legal Process: "Whose Monet? An Introduction to the American Legal System". Thankfully, from a skim of the contents, I covered a lot of this stuff in LP, so at least I won't feel like I'm swimming up a creek with no paddle.

I had dinner with my LSAT Tutor a couple of days ago. He looks just as fine as ever and he's even smarter now. He's been really helpful and if I was his mum, I'd be really proud of him.

He was great with the advice of his approach to 1L. He highly recommended swearing by "Getting to Maybe" for exams, as much as I recommend "1L" to people who have spouses. LP Dude suggested people in not-married or not-living-together relationships break up with their b/f or g/f. By the end of the week of prep, two people confessed to breaking up with their boyfriends. I'm glad I won't be a part of those conversations.

But I understand. I can't exactly take a break from my kid, who is my greater concern over my husband, at least relationship-wise. I've done the single parent thing and I feel so bad for leaving it up to John for at least the first year. I didn't take the LP classes over the summer because I thought it would be unfair to ask John to go out of his way twice a day to take Pie to camp and pick him up. Once in a way is fine, but every day for a week is a bit much for someone holding down a full-time job. At least Pie's camp will be over by the time I start school and we've made arrangements for the rest of his summer vacation.

Tutor pointed out he didn't have a girlfriend. Apart from wondering how someone so pretty can be without, I know it makes sense to be single. I like my husband and kid and I don't want to be single, but it would make things a lot easier. Of course, the irony is that I wouldn't even be in law school if I didn't marry the man and bring the kid for him.

So, while I continue to struggle with that, my first reading assignment came in. It is beginning to start and I am so excited. I just bought the book and it should get here in a couple of days.

The school is sending emails every few days with info about the first week. Lots of stuff going on. It looks like we will be doing either Civ Pro or Torts in small classes of about 40 or so. I'm hoping I get into Torts for the fall, as it's the one I think I might have most trouble with. I liked Civ Pro a lot and hope I get a Prof who is going to sustain the liking.

That's the other thing. Apart from Nadine Strossen and James Grimmelman, I don't know anything about the other NYLS Profs who will be teaching me. I won't find out who they are until that first week and won't be able to ask upperclassmen any questions till then either.

There's so much to think about, but I still cannot wait. I am dying to immerse myself and hope that I don't get lost in there.