terrors

I have a lot going on in my head these last few days. I am not happy with the reflection semester one's grades have on my ability, preparation and all-round general brilliance. I have been actively working to improve my approach and habits, even though it's only heading into the 3rd week of classes.

It starts from Day 1. But I'm wondering if I'm slipping back into complacency b/c work at the beginning of the semester is easier than it looks and I feel like I can handle it. I've already given up most of both days of the weekend and had a talk with John about putting more of myself into school and less at home. He's told me not to worry and assured me I don't need to feel overwhelmed or guilty about anything.

Overwhelmed. There is my biggest problem, the root from which all my depression grows. A long time ago, something bad happened and I just couldn't cope with it. I didn't know what to do, so I cried until it actually hurt my chest and I finally went to a doctor.

Over the years I've fought with it and mostly lost. The worst of it came when I moved to NY. I thought being a single mother, mostly friendless with no family or money or love or someone to lean on was the absolute worst thing that could happen to me. And it was. But moving here gave that sucker a real run for its money.

I don't think I was entirely over being alone with Derek. To be thrust into another huge life change just took it all out of me. I don't think I'm ever really going to let go of the terror I felt being so alone and being the only person a little person has to depend on, but I've let some things go over the last 5 years and I've certainly come to terms with the fact that there are things I CAN'T let go. It's now a part of who I am.

Making some kind of peace with myself and the husband has made me less afraid of not being able to cope. I've found that there isn't much that can overwhelm me.

Until now, that is.

I think about the work for the semester and it's no longer doing it week to week. Now it's about preparing for finals all the way. But there's more than that. There is a brief and an oral argument and client interviews. Plus looking for a job. It's so much. Just applying for jobs is a full-time gig and is a huge time-sucker. I've done everything for a Judicial Externship but finish my writing sample and I can't submit that till I meet with someone from the Writing Department, which is sometime this week. Then I have to meet with last semester's professors. Then I have to meet with my Career Advisor at some point.

Time-suckers. I still have to eat and sleep. And shower. And Derek.

Overwhelmed. I don't cope well with being overwhelmed. It terrifies me that I cannot control things, even thing I can objectively handle. I just frighten myself out of the ability.

Deep breath.

that john steinbeck sure knew his robbie burns

Because all my best-laid schemes definitely awry did go!

I'd been feeling crappy for a few days last week, but thought it was the allergies giving me grief. I kept trying to study but couldn't seem to focus, not because I was distracted but b/c I just felt fuzzy. On Saturday, I sneezed non-stop. Oh no! Head cold. Blah!

I wish it was a head cold!

By Sunday, I was flat out dead. Shaking like nobody's business. I was so cold, John had to pull out the huge thick quilt we only use for company! I was already fully dressed, socks and all, plus sheet and a quilt! And a John! It was bad. I don't think I've been this sick since I moved here and had the Winter of Death, where I was sick for about 4 months straight!

Every bone in my body was screaming at me in agony. That day is really a blur now. I'm pretty sure I didn't make it out of bed all day. Most of Monday as well. I managed to email the Profs and a couple of other commitments I had but I mostly couldn't move. I didn't eat until Tuesday, when I felt like I could look at food without wanting to yak. I've always found it funny you can be nauseous when you have no food in your stomach. Even water made me want to throw up. Ginger ale helped and it was all I cared to imbibe for about 3 days. Maybe 2. I think on Sunday, I forced down a bowl of cereal and on Monday, half of a boiled egg. Maybe.

Then came the headaches and cold sweats. I woke up twice on Monday night soaked through. I had to change clothes and everything. My nose has not stopped running and every time I coughed, even now, my head hurt. My face was so congested, I had to soak a washcloth in cold water and place it over my eyes to get some relief. I cannot remember when I felt this ill. I still feel crappy all over and probably sound just as bad.

Derry came home all miserable yesterday. He was fed up of outside food and really wanted some Mummy foody, because it's "the best"! Aw. I felt really sorry for the little guy. He had some of the early symptoms of my flu, tummy upset and grumpiness, so I dragged myself up and made him spaghetti and meatballs. Mercifully, I already had the meat seasoned in the fridge and all I had to do was make it, but it was still very tiring and I had to sit down afterwards. It took a bit longer to do, as a result.

He ate some, but his tummy was really giving him hell. So he had a yogurt and just sat still until bedtime, rare for our Pie, let me tell you. Both he and I had to tell John to stop making us laugh because we're too sick to laugh out loud. Seriously. Tummy aches, coughing, headaches... laughing should not hurt!

I tossed around last night a lot. I know it's anxiety about school. John is getting upset that I haven't been back, but I'm fighting between being weak and not wanting to get pnuemonia and really really wanting to go back. I've missed two classes and feeling lost because I wasn't even able to prepare for them, so it's not even like I know what the hell happened.

I'm doing my best to go in later today. I have a class at 4:30, but it's so cold outside, I'm really worried about how I'll fare. But I have stuff to pick up at school and since Monday is a holiday, I have some time to catch up. I'll have to stay at home, because there is more snow expected, but I'll manage. I'll feel a lot better, physically and mentally, once I can ease my mind that I'm catching up with the reading and not giving myself a handicap so early in the semester.

Pray for Mojo.

upward and onward

I understand it's not the done thing to talk about your grades on your blog. I don't think enough people read my blog to really get into the kinds of uproars I've seen on the blawgosphere. But, I'm going to not post the actual grades on here except to say I got nothing lower than a B- and I am not happy.

Bang (one of my study buddies is becoming a good friend and his last name starts with Ba and we decided to create an empire called Bang: his Ba plus my ng! Mostly, we just call each other Bang!) pointed out that I know what I need to do to improve. He's not wrong, but I'm a little uncertain about what to do.

I'm disappointed because I was hoping to grade into Law Review, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen, even if I get straight As this semester. I'm trying not to think about that so much.

But I have to try to put this behind me and focus on this semester and the new challenges. Prof Crim is living up to his reputation thus far. I spoke to an alum and when I said which professor I had for Criminal Law, there was definite faces and hesitations. Prof Crim seems unapproachable. Since I have no desire to get into Criminal Law, I have no problem keeping my distance from the man and just doing the work to get out of the class.

Prof Property is very nice. None of the others have been in touch so far. Well, to say Prof Crim got in touch is a bit much. He just posted the readings online and it's a good thing I was checking. Prof Prop sent us a very nice email and told us where to find what we need. I'm not saying we're not supposed to be proactive, but every professor so far has sent at least a "welcome to my class" email. Ah well. We'll see.

I am looking forward to going back. Monday will be my first day back in school since the break began. I have to pick up a book at the bookstore, get 2 supplements from the Copy Center and attend a meeting. I think I'll be spending the day there since I have to go to a City Bar event later in the evening.

The break has been nice and relaxing. I watched a lot of tv and read many books. I hung out with Pie and I wish I could have had a date with the husband. We got to spend Christmas Eve together as Pie went off to Grandma's, but we spent most of it hiding his presents and doing nothing much. But we all had a pretty decent time. I am looking forward to seeing Bang and BB and a few other classmates and hearing about their vacations. It'll be good to be back.