Soon to be an Esquire

So I've graduated law school. What a trip!

On Sunday, May 19, 2013, I woke up bright and early to misting rain and headed off to Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center. Although the ceremony was slated to start at 10, the graduands had to be there for 8:30. There were 500+ of us, so I guess that made sense.

My sweet Samia met me at 8:30, happily willing to wait by herself until the doors opened for guests at 9:30. John and I discussed him going with me, but not only can I get ready faster than either he or Derek, I had already asked Samia and felt it would just be too overwhelming for me to take everything and them too.

Samia came early so she could take my bag. I could not leave anything in the waiting area of Avery Fisher, so someone had to take it. I arrived there in my sexy pants and raincoat and a bag with other stuff. Samia took my handbag and the bag where I stuffed my raincoat, umbrella, Kindle, flip-flops (which I was so glad I brought, but more about that later). I brought my gown in a long bag, so she helped me stuff the empty bag in there and she went away to get coffee and meet up with John. I got in line.

While waiting for her, I got to see lots of people arrive. It was so nice to see everyone looking excited, trying to pretend that they weren't, because, pish tosh, we're only graduating from fucking law school, right?

I met up with Kayla inside and Emery met us just a few minutes later. Alex, coming from maybe two whole blocks away, arrived far later than we did. Then, we waited.

There was place to sit, so we stood around, just chatting, taking silly photos, and helping other people with their group shots. It was kinda fun. The four of us decided we wanted to be together for the ceremony. We've been friends since first semester. Em and I were in Law Preview together and, although we didn't speak then, we recognized each other right away and became study buddies. Kayla joined the love triangle later in the semester when we got into a group project for Civil Procedure. Alex and I were in every single 1L class together, even our small and writing sections. It was important to us that we finish together what we started together.

By the time we got to enter the hall, I was dying to sit down. And hot. Petal and polyester don't mix and I began to congratulate myself that I didn't wear the long-sleeved shirt I planned to. I couldn't even take off the gown because the sash was pinned to it to prevent it from falling off my shoulders, so I would have cooked to a turn if I wore long-sleeves. I don't know how the men did it.

I did, however, wear the most amazing bra known to mankind! Like the Indian beti I am, I managed to tuck my phone, lipstick, and glasses cleaning cloth in there without a worry. Or an iota of discomfort! I didn't want to take a bag, and an alum suggested the phone-in-the-bra trick. Made sense to me!

As we walked in, I tried desperately to find John, Derek, Samia, my brother and his wife. Anne, my sister-in-law, wound up not showing up because she was ill. Whatev. I was very disappointed to find that out and, thankfully, I didn't find out till well after the whole thing was over. I kinda wish a tiny bit that I did know before so I could have given her ticket away, but nothing I could do about that now. I told my brother she owes me presents. Nuff said.

I couldn't find them anywhere, so I just walked forward to my seat. The usher directed me to a single aisle seat and guided Alex, Em, and Kay to the row behind me. I froze. I couldn't sit by myself! It was my dumb idea to sit together. Well, Ms. Emery wasn't having any of that nonsense. No sirree, Bub. She reached over, took my forearm and declared, "She has to sit with us." The usher decided not to fight the 5ft. 2in, sunkissed-blonde who might weigh 110lbs soaking wet. I, Stone Pet, allowed myself to be hauled into Em's row. Bless her!

So we sat mid-fourth row from the stage. A great seat to see everything happening without having to look up at the screen. I craned around looking for John and Derek, and managed to text to them where I was. They saw me but I couldn't see them and it was really distracted to the people behind me when I kept turning around, so I had to stop it.

Then came the actual stuff that happened on stage. The man who sang the National Anthem was awesome. I confess: when he opened his mouth I was confused why the words "Forged from the love of liberty..." were not coming out! For the non-Trinidadians, that is the first line of the Trinidad and Tobago National Anthem. I guess I was experiencing a complex set of emotions in that 2-second period. I did not attend grad ceremonies from UWI, so it was a weird moment for me.

The Dean said some funny stuff. I love that guy. Then some Faculty Awards. One of them was voted on by the students and the Prof who got picked? Never saw her in my life. Then a bunch of students got called up to receive prizes for high grades and excellent writing. Never saw any of them in my life. Then the student speakers: one for day and evening. I never saw that day speaker in my life. Funnily enough, the evening speaker I did know and know well. The day chick didn't really do it for me. The evening dude spoke well and thanked his mummy at the end. That was sweet.

Then came the conferring of the Honorary Degree on NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who gave a funny speech. I zoned out at the political stuff, not because he was boring, but because I wanted to see my husband and son and was getting antsy. John got a gray suit and white shirt with gray pinstripes made for my graduation and I had not seen him before I left. Derek was wearing a matching gray waist coat (vest) and trousers, with a white shirt and green tie and I was dying to see his cuteness.

Then there was another conferral: The NYLS President's Medal to Arthur Abbey, and alum and chairman of the school's board. He's a great guy and I was happy for him and was able to congratulate him when I was on stage. But now I was getting antsier. It was my time, dammit. Let's get this show on the road!

More waiting for C.P. Maharaj's little girl Petal, I'm afraid. The four of us pressed to the front of the line while we were waiting, anticipating that the students from the front would get called first. WRONG! They started at the back, and if we were thinking straight, we would have realized that would make the most sense. Plus, the very last graduate was a blind young woman, who needed to be seated in the very first row and be the last to cross the stage with her seeing eye dog. She got a well-deserved standing ovation, by the way. That was just wonderful.

Finally, my row got to stand up. I lost all sense of time and space after that. I had planned to look up and see my name on the screen, and shake the Mayor's hand before going to the Dean. Yeah. So that didn't happen, not even a little. It was like my wedding day. Just a blur.

I remember being told to stop at the foot of the stage for a photo. I remember Dean Eastus hugging me and telling she was doing that because I was leaving and she needed to slow the line down. LOL! I have no recollection of actually walking across the stage to the Dean. I remember looking at him and seeing his face and giving him the biggest hug. John told me after that he held on to me for a long time, and pulled me aside to say stuff. I remember telling him to take care and him saying something like I don't have to tell him that, he is going to take care of me and the school is going to make sure I get through this summer. I don't know what the person behind me must have been thinking, but I didn't care. Derek got this great shot of me hugging Dean Crowell and I was thrilled.

By the time I got back to my seat, I was a mess. I asked Kayla what happened! It was like a dream I have to piece together.

Then Arthur Abbey conferred the degree of Juris Doctorate on us and there it was. I was a J.D., a law school graduate. Didn't I just start? Didn't we just meet?

I know I left the hall just kinda going with the flow. I found John, Derek, and Samia pretty easily, but my brother, who arrived later than they did and had to sit separately, clearly had plans of his own. We wound up agreeing to meet at the restaurant I made reservations at way back in January or something! The four of us tried to get a cab, but that was a hot mess in the rain. So we took the train and then cabbed it across town to the restaurant.

I actually didn't choose this place; it kinda chose me. I had decided on another called The Leopard des Artistes, which was just a block away from Lincoln Center. However, a few days after I made the reservation, they rang me to say they have a private event on that day and could I try their sister restaurant, Il Gattopardo, located at 54th Street, a few blocks away? I told them it was my law school graduation and I was so looking forward to celebrating at The Leopard. They offered me a bottle of wine and I said my party doesn't drink wine. So they promised to make it special for me. I said ok. How bad could it be?

How bad? Like, nonce bad! It was amazing. The food was fantastic, and we got dessert free. And they treated us very well. I was so happy to be there with my family (Samia is practically my baby sister and it was so right that she be there) sharing my glorious day with me.

By the time we were ready to leave, I realized that standing for almost 2 hours before the ceremony was beginning to take its toll on my ankles. We walked Steve and Samia to the train station but I begged John to take the bus because I couldn't walk anymore. We were right at an M7 stop outside the subway so we just stood there. We were lucky; a bus came about 2 mins later and as soon as I sat down, I pulled out my comfy flip-flops and put away the sexy shoes. My feet were never more grateful. Both John and Derek fell asleep on the ride home!

When we got home, I sank into a hot bath and John went to take a nap. We were all just wiped. It was only then I realized we did not take any photos together and I have nothing to show all of us being there. We had to rush to the restaurant right after the ceremony to make our reservation time and pictures flew out of my head. I'm not too disappointed. I was so happy John and Derek got to see me cross the stage, and that my brother was there, too. It was a happy day and I slept like a dead stone that night.

And, now, one adventure ends and another begins. What a trip!

this is the end. hold your breath and count to 10

Wow. Three years just gone, like that. I can barely remember my life without law school in it. Like I can barely remember my life without Chris, Derek, John in it. But, somehow, it feels like yesterday when those things weren't in it.

Celebrated Trinidadian writer Sam Selvon wrote “All these words that I hope to write, I have written them already many times in my mind. I have had many beginnings, each as good or bad as the other.” If that doesn’t describe a woman who has had my life, I cannot imagine what will.

There is no question in my mind that the biggest beginning I have had is moving to New York City. Mr. Selvon wrote those words in his short story “My Girl and the City,” a love letter to London. Law school made me realize I have been writing my own love letter to New York for the past seven years.

I never had a vision of the American dream. I came to the US to marry the man I fell in love with. He could have been anywhere in the world. I made the decision to follow. I now thank him for being here and not at any end of the world. I’d have gone there, sure. But I’m very happy he chose to be here.

My beginnings here were difficult. It’s hard to live somewhere for 32 years, get used to its ins and outs, and then pick up and move to a sprawling metropolis that manages to fit eight million-plus people in a 302 square mile island. I lived on an island. I’ve had to rethink the definition after I moved here.

That island is thought of as laid-back, easy-breezy, drink-all-the-rum-all-the-time. This island is thought of as quick, rude, isolating, don’t-talk-to-me-I’m-walking-here. Both are true and really untrue. For me, they are more untrue. I was part of the rat race on that island. On this island, my life was so much more relaxed, at least until the man I came to marry told me I need to find something to do because he was tired of coming home to clean laundry and hot food every day!

A little exaggeration, but after five years of being a stay at home parent, it was time to get back out into the world – to find something new to begin. With the support of that amazing man I came here to marry, I began what would become the most fulfilling three years of my life to date. Even better than that, I grew to appreciate this island in a way that surpassed anything I could have thought of.

Perhaps the best example I can give of how grateful I am to have followed that man here comes from the wake of Sandy. This island’s response to unbelievable devastation made me so proud to be able to say and mean that here is my home too. Twenty years ago, pregnant with my first son, I nearly died in a flood that swept through the area where I lived. Every year, every single year, floods would destroy crops, homes, lives, and nothing got done about it. Twenty years later, things seem to be getting worse.

One year before Sandy, Irene wreaked her own havoc and those in a position to protect took a beating. Here, in a turnaround of one year, the same City and State administrations were able to correct many mistakes to save lives. And the post-storm efforts were nothing short of Herculean to get our beloved island back to normal. Never could I have imagined living in a place where a government would fix its mistakes because its people needed it to.

Like Selvon, I want to say everything to you, the way he wanted to communicate everything in his heart to his girl and his city. “I say them because I want you to know, I don’t ever want to regret afterwards that I didn’t say enough, I would rather say too much.”

But I am not Selvon, gifted in his way to write that ode to the people who need to hear all the words I need to say. Where would I be without my John? What he gave up is immeasurable and not something that most would understand. In all of my absence from his life, he still made me laugh, gave me advice, didn't brook my nonsense, and made fantastic eye candy at every event I dragged him to. 

My children. Chris is more removed from me to have been terribly impacted, but what he doesn't know is that this entire experience made me appreciate him so much more. He is so focused on his schoolwork and knows his own ins and outs so much better than I could have ever hoped for. When I should have been inspiring him, his work ethic inspired me.

My little DerBerries. When I started, he hadn't even turned 7. Kudos to John for turning our baby into a young man. But he missed his Mama, more than I ever thought he would. He also got used to it, even teasing me about coming home "early," before his bedtime! It's when we, just the 2 of us, do something together that I realize how much he misses me and how much I miss him. Yesterday, after we played in his room together, he said, "That was fun, Mama. We should do that again tomorrow."  I reminded him he would be on an overnight school trip, but I understood how he felt. 

All the people who stood by me, giving me support and encouragement: Anu, Bellie, Kimmy, Michele, Kir, Janelle, Samia, all my old high school friends who knew me when I was a little girl. What do I say? Thank you just seems so lame. Maybe if you could read my heart, you'd know.

Today is my last exam. It ends at 9 p.m and after that,  I would have a J.D. Whoda thunk it? Well, lots of people, me included, but it does not mean that there isn't some disbelief in me that this is where I am today. Maybe Alex, Christina, Emery, Kayla, Rob, and Sondah might have an idea of what I'm talking about. They must be going through something very similar.

So, this is the end. Tomorrow begins anew.

some thoughts about "mad men"

I am by no means someone who is entirely moral. My morality has shifted over the years, especially since I believe I am an example to my children and I do not want to do anything to make them do anything other than hold their heads high. I know right from wrong and I try to think ethically. As a future lawyer, I think that's very important.

I was in no way surprised by "Mad Men" finally whoring Joan out to a client. But I wanted to be proven wrong. Even in the 1960s, surely more men than Don would be disgusted by the idea of prostituting a co-worker, and a friend, to a pig of a man?

I have been underwhelmed by "Mad Men" since Don left Betty. I didn't watch most of last season and only watch it now because it's preceded by the excellent "Game of Thrones" and a way to spend some time with my husband, who also drops the kid to school the next morning.

Nothing seems to be happening. Plot threads are opened and then dropped and we're supposed to accept things. For a 12 or 13 episode series, it does not have the tightness of "The Shield," the entirety of which took place over maybe 2 or 3 years. There is always comparison to "The Sopranos" because Matt Weiner cut his teeth with David Chase. So much of "Mad Men" is Soprano-esque, to the point where I feel I've already seen "The Sopranos" thank you very much, so I can watch another show now.

So I'm irritated by this show. Not everything. I enjoy the Lane Pryce storyline (though yet another plot thread seems to have been abandoned with him and the girl from the first ep of this season) and it seems so real, especially in times like these.

I like the Peggy thread very much. Her rising star thread is perfect on this show and she is one of the rare characters that show continuity and growth. Not even Don has done this.

I don't think this is the show about the Betty-Sally interaction, as intriguing as it is. It is so good, in fact, that I wish there was more about Sally growing up. That can't happen on the show called "Mad Men" and I feel irritated when we see these 90-second scenes with them that take us nowhere. And now, Betty's whole plot line is just boring. I would have honestly liked to see her remain married to Don or be single. Henry the politician is boring as hell. He doesn't interact with the children in any way. His mother gets more screen time with them. I don't mind imagining what kind of teenager and woman Sally Draper is going to become, but I feel I get very little on which to base my imagingings.

But, back to Joanie. I think it's uncharacteristic for Roger to go along with this as much as he did. It's not as if he has an issue with Joan and another man, but I don't think anything he's shown us has led me to believe he'd be okay with prostituting the woman who has made the biggest impact on his life. And after all that shit about being Kevin's father? I'd believe that the child with Joan would have more of an effect on him than his other son and daughter.

Am I giving "Mad Men" too much credit for morality? After all, the show does prize itself on showcasing 60s immorality. Sex, drugs, and all the -isms (racisim, sexism). It's a sinner's paradise, isn't it? But this particular choice, sending Joanie, the amazing confident sexy brilliant Joanie, to sleep with someone to get Jaguar, rubs me the wrong way. Is it because it's Jaguar that the writers felt it was ok? I mean, would they make her fuck for a Ford? Well... I'd fuck Mike Rowe for a Ford. Hell, I'd fuck him and pay HIM!

But I digress. And that guy was NO Mike Rowe, let me tell you. Not that that makes it better. He COULD have been Mike Rowe and it still would have been awful to me.

And I don't just mean because it's Joanie. Four men deciding to send a woman, any woman, to get fucked for an account, is gross. It's one thing to explore how women felt about using their bodies to get ahead. No one can deny that happened, maybe still does. But this didn't emanate from Joan. She wasn't even thinking about Kevin. Lane put that in her head and Stinky Pete twisted her words to convince the partners. How Pete doesn't get beat up more is beginning to concern me. Don should be next in line to give him a well-deserved ass-kicking, followed closely by Joan and Trudy.

But now I'm talking about it like I accept it. I think it was wrong for the show to go there. I would have enjoyed the tension in the office from just the offer being made. I feel gross and dirty watching "Mad Men" now, and I barely liked the show to begin with. Maybe I would feel different if I did.

being vacant

I am on vacation until June 4 and trying to make the most of it. By that, I mean sleeping like a motherfucker! I've been pretty successful so far.

I've also been down with a cold for a few days. John and I got it at the same time and he actually took 2 days off last week because he was ill. Derek is fine and has been a bundle of energy, offering to make cups of tea and give love-ups.

I was not happy with finals. I know I could have done better but it was a bitch studying for so many at once. Con Law made me cry. I saw a lot of hair-pulling and near-tears in the room and one friend said she didn't even get to a whole question. I was at a complete loss for the exam. The one thing I did not do, did not even expect to show up because I thought the prof was using it as an example, came and I had no idea what in the hell it was. I experienced a kind of terror I've never felt in an exam and I barely made it through high school.

My summer class starts on May 31, but I can't go to the first class. My internship starts June 4, and I am getting excited about it. I really feel like I made a good decision to go after that and it was the only place I applied to using Spring Recruitment at school. Since I got a position way back in March, I've had to turn down two other places that called me for interviews, one at the NYC Housing Authority, which would also have been good experience. But, I think being at the Office of Administrative Trials and Hearings will be better because I'll experience hearings with the NYCHA from the judge's perspective. OATH only took 4 interns for summer, so I am hoping that the experience translates into marketability when I start looking for a job in a year.

I get two weeks off before school starts again and Chris is coming to spend a few days in NY with his Ma. He and I are really looking forward to it. I bought him a camera as a present. It's so teeny-tiny, it could fit in his pocket with barely a bulge! We were talking about where he'd want to go, apart from Times Square, and I was reeling off a list of places we could try to fit into his trip. Then I asked him if there was anything he especially wanted to see or any place he wanted to go. He said he wanted to go to a Games Stop!!!

I nearly fell off the sofa during that chat! Um... there is one just 2 blocks from where we live, even on the same side of the street. He and Derek can walk over there any time and go nuts. I don't even have to be involved. Derek is becoming champion of learning his neighborhood, so I can send them by themselves.

After a spate of naughtiness from the Dereker, he's rebounded with excellence and filled his parents with joy and pride. Homework was becoming an issue again and we had to set some serious rules about it. And he's been doing very well. His teacher gives the class a math packet every few days and tells the class when it's due. Last week, Der got one on Monday, due Thursday, and finished it by Monday.

We've told him that we don't want homework just sitting around waiting to be done. No packet has been so long that he couldn't finish it in one evening, freeing him up the rest of the week. They are challenging and he has to ask for help every now and then, but he gets it done.

Come Thursday of last week, Derek's done all his homework for the week and was the only kid in his class to finish the math packet. He told us the other thought it was due on Friday. As a reward, John let him off the hook with his other 2 evening chores. Every day, he has to write an entry in his journal and feed the cats. I thought he'd be thrilled to get out of journal-writing, but he told me that Daddy even offered to watch the cats and put away their food when they were done. Kid's a riot!

On Friday, I picked him up from school and while we were walking, he couldn't stop talking about how no one else had finished their math packets. I wasn't sure if it was bothering him or he couldn't believe how he had done it. Even when we were talking about something else, he would just bring it up, telling me how much homework the rest of the class had to do this weekend and he had none. I told him that he should be proud of himself and Daddy and I were proud of him. He said, "And that's my reward. That you are proud of me." I bought him an icy!

And I don't have to tell you what that evening's journal entry was about! I think he's finally got it out of his system. And I think he's finally learning what we've been desperately trying to get across: do your responsibilities and do them well. He's so carefree and thoughtless that he pays no mind to what he has to do and it's been testing us. We really felt like we'd tried everything, because this has been going on for years.

But now, we're watching him grow up. We even let him ride his scooter to Saturday Club all by himself. Needless to say, we were both panicked out of our minds. I must've called everyone I knew who would be at his school that day to make sure he got there. He did, safe and sound. He was so happy to go by himself. He wrote in his journal that he was glad Mummy and Daddy were not there to keep telling him things, and he was a little worried about getting lost, even though he knew exactly where he was going, but he saw a friend and his dad and he joined up with them to walk the last little block to the school.

This was just an experiment to see if he could do it. We're not going to let him go to school until we can add him to our cell phone plan at the end of this year. We're hoping he can start going by himself from January, depending on the weather. It is getting very hard for me to wake up to take him to school when I don't have a class till 2 in the afternoon. I'm finding that sleeping later lets me stay up later and I am more productive in the evenings and night. Him going to school by himself means I can stay later at school.

It also means not really seeing him or John, but it's only for a few more months and it's a very important few more months. Everything I do in my final year is prepping for the Bar and getting a job. I need to focus and I think I might need to do it at the expense of John and Derek. I don't know yet, but I am preparing for it and I need to find a way to prepare them as well. I wish someone could do that for me because it sounds so selfish when I talk about it. I guess I'll have to see how it goes.

my 2L year is fading fast

Last December, I was more thrown by the fact that I was halfway through law school than I was when I completed my 1L year. I still cannot believe I am here, sometimes. There are still times when I want to shout, "I'M IN FUCKING LAW SCHOOL!!!"

However, reality sets in and I realize I am hip-fucking-deep in law school and I better get a move on before I forget how to apply Chevron or which level of scrutiny is the court talking about this time.

2L has been a great year, to say the least. I got 2 very cool internships and kicked ass in both of them, and secured yet another fantastic internship for this summer. I think someone put it best when she told me that last semester she stopped worrying about grades and her GPA and began to do well! I had such a good time last semester that it reflected in my grades and the best GPA per semester I've had so far.

I also enjoyed myself academically. It's a great feeling knowing you've chosen your own path and not once have I had to kick my own ass over my choices. I've come to know and adore some wonderful professors and I just don't know how I would have got on without their support.

I also got some amazing opportunities here at school. I got a fellowship that let me write for a newsletter, got to meet alums at different events, and even went to a Rangers game as MSG in a suite! I can never sit in the stands after that experience!

And the school treats me well. Everyone is very supportive and I try to give back as much as I can. I go to a really great law school and I try to do everything in my power to tell everyone in the world! I love saying I go to New York Law School because I have every reason to.

One thing I don't love, though, is having 3 finals in 4 days. I have Sex and the Law on 5/14 at 9am, Admin Law at 6pm on 5/15, and Con Law at 1:30pm on 5/17. I can't tell you how I panicked about that for weeks, really unable to figure out if I could do that. But, you know, I had 2 kids, I can fucking do anything.

I began to worry about grades and wasn't actually accomplishing anything. Days would go by and I'd have some kind of outline or work but I couldn't tell you I was retaining anything. Then, last Tuesday, Admin Prof says final is open book and everything just fell into place.

I don't know why hearing that just set the wheels turning, but I am glad. I was getting fed up of my internal moaning. It was all I could think about - 3 in 4 days, 3 in 4 days - it was some kind of sick mantra that was making me sick. Where was the confident chick of last semester? She gone.

But learning that this exam, what I expect to be the most challenging, was open book just made me sit up! By the end of that day, I had a plan. This prof was also going to set aside his last 2 classes for review, so I thought I would stick with Admin Law till the end of the week, Sunday. On Monday, it's me and Con Law till 4 days before Sex & the Law, when that's all I'll focus on.

Sex is also open book, but it bit odd to study for. I know I better know Lawrence v. Texas inside and out, but other than that, I'm a bit stumped.

For Admin, I've made a binder of all the cases and notes from the semester and tabbed the hell out of that puppy. We had 1 of our 2 review sessions today and it was the best class I've been to all year! I actually thanked the Prof afterwards.

Con Law is closed book. It's been my favorite class this semester and I don't want to fuck it up, but it's a lot to remember. Pray for mojo.

And Labor Relations is giving us a take-home paper as a final. I can't imagine dealing with that right now and am not really dealing with it. I can only hope she wants it back AFTER the Con Law final, which is when I will have time to work on it. Not too happy with that class. The Prof has been weird about questions all semester. I have her again in the Spring!

So, me as a 2L is almost past tense. Not quite yet, because I am off to Con Law class. I am tired of learning new stuff! It's time to study.

jackson

Yesterday was a weird day.

The Alumni Association held a lunch for donors and scholarship recipients. I was a recipient and it was a great lunch. I normally would have enjoyed myself silly at an event like that. But I kept watching the clock, just wanting to get out of there and go home, so I could be with Jackson before he left us.

The very first time John and I spoke on the phone, he was walking Jackson at the time. During those early, heady days on Journalspace, John wrote a lot about how much comfort Jackson used to give him, wagging his tail so hard that his whole back half got involved in the party. When John used to call us, John used to make Jackson "speak" for Derek. "Speak" for Jackson meant bark. When Der realized that Daddy had a "voice" for Jackson and "translated" what Jackson's thoughts were, that's what Der wanted to hear whenever he asked Daddy to make Jackson talk.

Up until last night, I thought John invented that voice for Derek. He informed me that he'd had it since he got Jackson because he looked like a dog who had a lot to say but would never really say it well. Like Jackson would threaten to call the ASPCA on us, but never used the same set of letters twice: PSBPA, ASQFA, DSDFA, etc. Needless to say, we never really took those threats seriously.

I'd never had a dog and people didn't really have inside dogs where I came from. When I moved here, I had to walk Jackson every day. I found it a great way to explore the neighborhood. He and I would walk all over the place. For a while, I used to take him to off-leash time at Central Park and watch him try to not hump other dogs. I was home for a long time and Derek wasn't the only one who got attached to having Mummy at his fingertips. I really didn't realize it until Kayrein came to visit and noticed that Jackson followed me everywhere. If I went to the bathroom, he would sit outside the door till I was done showering or whatever. Even if I just went in for a Q-tip, I had to close the door to get to it, and he would just plop himself outside the door and wait.

Over the years, he was just there - our underfoot dog who invariably tried to kill me in the kitchen by insisting on being in-between my legs as I tried to move about. He came to bed with me every night and got up with me every morning.

These last 3 months were painful and heartbreaking. John and I were fairly desperate at what to do and John really needed to try anything and everything to see if it would work. We agreed that we were not going to see him suffer if the meds just slowed the decline. That would be agony. The last couple of weeks were bad and the last three days were worse. Jackson was on so many meds and they seemed to have him more wired than sedated. He was nervous, tense, and confused and it was pretty clear that we had to bite the bullet.

As I was sitting at the lunch, being feted and questioned by the alums and classmates, I wondered what it would be like to come home to no dog. I couldn't see it. Jackson has been a part of my life and home and family and I just couldn't picture his absence. I really just needed to get out of there.

I picked up Derek from school and we met John at the vet's. I'll just cut to the chase now. The vet gave Jackson a sedative, a really strong one because she was concerned that since he didn't take to the sedatives, she had to give him enough to "fell a horse." We gave him as many treats as he could eat, and when he pushed away the last one in my hand, we knew.

He lay down by my feet and I eventually got down on the floor and lay down beside him. The vet brought a blanket and John lifted him up and put him on it and I knelt down beside him and stroked his head while she gave him the final shot. I don't remember when I started to cry, but when she said that he was gone, I was a mess. I think John was crying, too, but trying to comfort me. I gave Jackson a kiss and et my last mouthful of pet hair.

As we were leaving, the vet said that they take a paw print of pets in clay and bake it and we can have it as a memento of out Jackson. We will remember the time he stepped in Mariano's paint tray and walked white paw prints around the living room and I had to take him outside and force him to walk in rain puddles to wash it off. We will remember the time he swallowed a huge rib bone. We will remember the times he ran from small dogs. We will remember our big, silly dog who couldn't remember the ASPCA.

I love you, Jackson. Chase that squirrel.

The post you've been waiting for

Though it's hardly breaking news by now! On March 9, I was sworn in as a naturalized US citizen!

After the swearing-in ceremony, my friends kept asking me if I felt any different. Well, I didn't, really. I was happy that people I loved were there to be with me. Later, though, was a different story.

I wore a khaki suit that won rave reviews at my internship. The day I wore it to work I knew it was the suit I was going to wear to the ceremony. I even wore lipstick.

John's mom came with me and John and Der and BB, Samia, and Brigida met us at Federal Plaza. Samia got there before us and they let her in and she saved a whole mess of seats for us. BB met us outside the building and I have no idea when Brigida showed up. John waited for her outside for a while but then he had to come in. I eventually saw her moments before the ceremony began, and I was so relieved. She was with us when John adopted Derek and I really couldn't imagine her not being there for this ceremony.

I really wish Anu and Bellie could have been there. And maybe one of my brothers. You know, I didn't really care to become a citizen until I started law school and realized I wanted to work in government. I didn't even start law school with that intention. I wanted to focus on Copyright Law. And, now, look at me. Labor and Administrative Law. Whoda thunk it?

Anyhoo, it was nice to have so many people there. One agent asked me if I brought everybody. I think I did.

We sat around chatting and me pacing, don't ask me why. It was hardly a nerve-wracking situation. I was calmer somehow at the interview! Afterwards, I realized how big a deal this was to me. More about that later.

They called in groups of people by sections. Naturally, I was in the last section and there were about 100 people. I think they called everyone who was left because I'm pretty sure earlier groups that went in didn't even have 50 people. Oh well, I guess even USCIS agents have lives and want a half day on Friday.

They swear people in every Friday, so the agents have it down to a fairly precise science. They separated the swearees from their guests and sent us to where we were supposed to sit. I had to turn around to see John et al, but I could see them and they could see me.

Each seat for the newbies had an envelope and a small American flag on it. The envelope had a letter from the President (cool!), a copy of the US Constitution and other stuff. Someone gave Derek his own flag, so we are now a 2-flag family.

I sat between a man from Pakistan and a man from the Dominican Republic. Me and Mr. Pakistan hit it off right away and pretty much giggled through most of the thing. Not of course, when we were supposed to be paying rapt attention!

Some guy came to the podium and said some stuff and then he called out every country that was present in the room and the people had to stand up. Naturally, the WIndians made the most noise - Barbados and Jamaica represent - and I was the only Trini, so I yelled real loud and totally cracked up Mr. Pakistan.

When he was done and everyone was standing, we recited the Oath of Citizenship, which is NOT the same as the Pledge of Allegiance. We did that, too, but after the country song.

Yes, they played us a country song. They made us wave our flags to a country song, and sing along. Me and Mr. Pakistan were in stitches but we waved and sang. Good thing, too, otherwise we'd have got yelled at and pulled into the naughty corner!

A man behind us was apparently not getting into the spirit of flag-waving and country-song-singing and was being lectured by an agent about one of the things you agree to do when you become a citizen is to respect the flag. Caught up in mirth, I turned around and told him to wave his flag. Before the words were out of my mouth I realized it was not something jokey, but getting serious. The man said nothing while the agent was talking and the only thing he did say was that he did have flag and he put it in his envelope. And he said it to me. I turned around and sang my song.

But it didn't end there. Me and Mr. Pakistan were giving each other the eye throughout the whole scene because we couldn't figure out why the agent was on that man's case. At the end of the song, which was fairly long, we all stood up and prepared to say the Pledge of Allegiance. Everyone faced the flag closest to them and recited.

Two lines in, I heard and felt this slapping against my row. I turn to the right and see the same agent slapping his file against the back of the last seat in the row and pointing furiously at the man behind me. W.T.F?

I am trying to be both a Trini and a Yank, now: I trying to maco AND recite the pledge! Next thing I know, the agent pulls out the man and take him behind a curtain. I nearly ran home for my "1984".

We sat down and were told that our naturalization certificates were going to be handed out. They were organized by row and we were told to stay in our seats until we get them, check them for errors, and then we can leave. Derek came over and the Australian woman next to Mr. Pakistan thought he was our child. Mr. Pakistan's American wife came over at the same time and we all had a good laugh when I said Der was mine. The Aussie chick looked like she wanted to die dead right there.

I never found out what happened to the man after he went behind the curtain. I left with my group. Brigida went back to work and we took the rest to The Ivy's for a late lunch.

It was great fun. I didn't expect to have such a good time. The agents ran a good show and I guess since we've all been put through the wringer to get to that point, we deserved a celebration, country song and all!

We went home and I slept for four hours! Then I got up and registered to vote as a Democrat. THAT was the most empowering thing. When you think about it, for me personally, not a lot has changed from being a permanent resident to being a citizen. I can vote, work for the federal govt, and get drafted. There are other things, of course, like federal programs I can qualify for, run for office, and other stuff.

I think right then I realized that something really big had happened. I belong here, now. I was very conflicted about becoming a citizen because I felt I would be betraying home, somehow. Not that I have to give up my Trini citizenship, or even give up the feeling that there will always be home. Now I feel ... I don't know. It's odd belonging to 2 places at once.

I also didn't expect to feel happy. I thought the process would be really serious and somber, but it was really celebratory and fun and there was a country song. I waved a flag and sang along with a country song and my husband, son, mother-in-law, and 3 friends were there to see me do it. I wish I could have brought everyone. I wish all of John's friends could have come and my big son and my brothers and my law school and work chums and everyone I knew from Journalspace. I thought of everyone I ever met since I moved here and felt glad to have met them because, in their small way, each one of them made me feel good about standing there waving my flag, singing along to a country song.