that john steinbeck sure knew his robbie burns

Because all my best-laid schemes definitely awry did go!

I'd been feeling crappy for a few days last week, but thought it was the allergies giving me grief. I kept trying to study but couldn't seem to focus, not because I was distracted but b/c I just felt fuzzy. On Saturday, I sneezed non-stop. Oh no! Head cold. Blah!

I wish it was a head cold!

By Sunday, I was flat out dead. Shaking like nobody's business. I was so cold, John had to pull out the huge thick quilt we only use for company! I was already fully dressed, socks and all, plus sheet and a quilt! And a John! It was bad. I don't think I've been this sick since I moved here and had the Winter of Death, where I was sick for about 4 months straight!

Every bone in my body was screaming at me in agony. That day is really a blur now. I'm pretty sure I didn't make it out of bed all day. Most of Monday as well. I managed to email the Profs and a couple of other commitments I had but I mostly couldn't move. I didn't eat until Tuesday, when I felt like I could look at food without wanting to yak. I've always found it funny you can be nauseous when you have no food in your stomach. Even water made me want to throw up. Ginger ale helped and it was all I cared to imbibe for about 3 days. Maybe 2. I think on Sunday, I forced down a bowl of cereal and on Monday, half of a boiled egg. Maybe.

Then came the headaches and cold sweats. I woke up twice on Monday night soaked through. I had to change clothes and everything. My nose has not stopped running and every time I coughed, even now, my head hurt. My face was so congested, I had to soak a washcloth in cold water and place it over my eyes to get some relief. I cannot remember when I felt this ill. I still feel crappy all over and probably sound just as bad.

Derry came home all miserable yesterday. He was fed up of outside food and really wanted some Mummy foody, because it's "the best"! Aw. I felt really sorry for the little guy. He had some of the early symptoms of my flu, tummy upset and grumpiness, so I dragged myself up and made him spaghetti and meatballs. Mercifully, I already had the meat seasoned in the fridge and all I had to do was make it, but it was still very tiring and I had to sit down afterwards. It took a bit longer to do, as a result.

He ate some, but his tummy was really giving him hell. So he had a yogurt and just sat still until bedtime, rare for our Pie, let me tell you. Both he and I had to tell John to stop making us laugh because we're too sick to laugh out loud. Seriously. Tummy aches, coughing, headaches... laughing should not hurt!

I tossed around last night a lot. I know it's anxiety about school. John is getting upset that I haven't been back, but I'm fighting between being weak and not wanting to get pnuemonia and really really wanting to go back. I've missed two classes and feeling lost because I wasn't even able to prepare for them, so it's not even like I know what the hell happened.

I'm doing my best to go in later today. I have a class at 4:30, but it's so cold outside, I'm really worried about how I'll fare. But I have stuff to pick up at school and since Monday is a holiday, I have some time to catch up. I'll have to stay at home, because there is more snow expected, but I'll manage. I'll feel a lot better, physically and mentally, once I can ease my mind that I'm catching up with the reading and not giving myself a handicap so early in the semester.

Pray for Mojo.

upward and onward

I understand it's not the done thing to talk about your grades on your blog. I don't think enough people read my blog to really get into the kinds of uproars I've seen on the blawgosphere. But, I'm going to not post the actual grades on here except to say I got nothing lower than a B- and I am not happy.

Bang (one of my study buddies is becoming a good friend and his last name starts with Ba and we decided to create an empire called Bang: his Ba plus my ng! Mostly, we just call each other Bang!) pointed out that I know what I need to do to improve. He's not wrong, but I'm a little uncertain about what to do.

I'm disappointed because I was hoping to grade into Law Review, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen, even if I get straight As this semester. I'm trying not to think about that so much.

But I have to try to put this behind me and focus on this semester and the new challenges. Prof Crim is living up to his reputation thus far. I spoke to an alum and when I said which professor I had for Criminal Law, there was definite faces and hesitations. Prof Crim seems unapproachable. Since I have no desire to get into Criminal Law, I have no problem keeping my distance from the man and just doing the work to get out of the class.

Prof Property is very nice. None of the others have been in touch so far. Well, to say Prof Crim got in touch is a bit much. He just posted the readings online and it's a good thing I was checking. Prof Prop sent us a very nice email and told us where to find what we need. I'm not saying we're not supposed to be proactive, but every professor so far has sent at least a "welcome to my class" email. Ah well. We'll see.

I am looking forward to going back. Monday will be my first day back in school since the break began. I have to pick up a book at the bookstore, get 2 supplements from the Copy Center and attend a meeting. I think I'll be spending the day there since I have to go to a City Bar event later in the evening.

The break has been nice and relaxing. I watched a lot of tv and read many books. I hung out with Pie and I wish I could have had a date with the husband. We got to spend Christmas Eve together as Pie went off to Grandma's, but we spent most of it hiding his presents and doing nothing much. But we all had a pretty decent time. I am looking forward to seeing Bang and BB and a few other classmates and hearing about their vacations. It'll be good to be back.

final final of semester

And I am deep in a wave of depression. I did nothing at home, nothing I care to call substantial, anyway, for the last 2 days. I came in to school this morning, breaking my own rule about not being here during finals. But both John and Derek are home and, let me tell you, the kid is not the issue. Not that John is needy or anything, but he is very spoilt when it comes to harassing me. He's not used to leaving me alone and I am constantly waiting for him to get on my nerves. It will be nice to go back to the status quo for a bit where he can bother me any old time he feels like it.

All I want is for Civ Pro to be over so I can go home and collapse into my bed and sleep till sometime tomorrow.

first law school final

Well, this is it. My very first law school final: Torts. I'm so excited I could spit! I've always had a very Zen approach to exams. It's a comfort zone to me and once I know I'm prepared, I'm good to go. It's not like I couldn't have done some more prep by doing some more Q&As, but I'm not sure that it would have made that big a difference.

The thing that did make the most difference was being able to talk about the course with my study buddies. Hearing yourself say the things out loud and realizing you're either sounding dumb or really smart is so helpful. Writing stuff down, too, has always been a good technique to help me remember. I managed to distill some concepts onto one notecard - no easy feat - and I also have to remember not to leave it in my pocket when I go into the exam!

So, here I am, sitting in Starbucks down the street from school. I went over my outlines and my little card and then decided to settle back and read on my Kindle till it's time to head to school. A daddy put his little girl on the seat opposite me and is feeding her a muffin. She has a juice box and looks like the muffin exploded all over her adorable face. It makes me miss Le Pie and I can't wait to see him and the husband tonight. All is right with my world.

Black Swan

So I'm writing this for 2 reasons. One is I loved the movie and just want to write about it. And, two, I need practice typing on Der's netbook because I need to use it for finals. There is no way I'm getting Louisa back in time for December 10.

So, back to Bom.

I heard about "Black Swan" months ago, at some film festival wrap-up. I'd read in passing that Natalie Portman was already getting Oscar buzz for her role as a ballet dancer giving into her dark side. Wow! Natalie Portman? Love her! Ballet? Love it! Darren Aronofsky? Loved "The Wrestler", so why they hell not?

I began to wait. It began to feel like I was a "Star Wars" geek waiting for "The Phantom Menace". I stalked the imdb.com page daily. And the trailer? Twice daily was more like! And then I found this music video and I lost it completely!

If I loved "Swan Lake" before, I was fairly obsessed by then. I found a documentary about 5 dancers in the Kirov Ballet and discovered the amazing Uliana Lopatkina who is the epitome of the dying swan. Pavlova is great and all that, but Lopatkina has the most enviable arms and a grace that was given to her by the angels themselves.

I rented a Kirov performance of "Swan Lake" but was so disappointed in the ending. They made it all happy and shit and there was no dying swan. I felt gypped and almost flung the disc away in disgust. Needless to say, Lopatkina didn't dance Odile/Odette.

Speaking of whom, I've often wondered what a dancer goes through in performing these roles in "Swan Lake". They are polar opposites of each other and Odette looms larger in terms of presence in the ballet. So a dancer spends more time perfecting and rehearsing the White Swan, and then must switch gears for a very physically gruelling dance that exudes more force than the White Swan offers in her entire performance. The White Swan is all grace and fragility and fear and tender love. The Black Swan is lust and passion and cruelty.

"Black Swan" captures the dichotomy beautifully. Portman is allowed to stretch marvelously into both characters. And they are two characters, both in the ballet and the film. Portman's Nina Sayers is everything the White Swan is supposed to be: fragile, graceful, technically perfect. But the Black Swan is none of those things. The White Swan is all internal and the Black Swan is visceral and everything is outside for the world to see.

Nina IS the White Swan. All she wants to be is perfect. She is timid and allows herself to be manipulated by her mother, an ex-dancer who "gave it up to have [Nina]". Nina's eventual rebellion only comes when pushed by Mila Kunis' Lily. It's Lily who gives voice to Nina's mother's actions and, while Nina is coming into slow realization herself, it's Lily's contempt that provides the impetus for Nina to take a stand.

I like Mila Kunis. She's a risk-taker. She fit right into Lily exactly like you'd expect her to. I have nothing bad to say about her performance, but I wasn't surprised the way I was with Portman and Winona Ryder. They aren't exactly risk-takers when it comes to their choices of film roles, so this movie was a revelation.

Lily served her purpose in the story and Kunis subtly moved the character in and out of Nina's perceptions of Lily. It was an excellent performance, just not surprising.

Now, as for Ryder. I think if Judi Dench can win an Oscar for six minutes on screen in "Shakespeare in Love", Ryder should be a shoo-in for a Best Supporting Oscar in next year's academy awards. Ryder is my generation's Ellen Page. "Heathers" is my "Juno". Etc. Etc. But Ryder has never really stepped out of that onlooker's position in her film choices. She's never been anything but lovely, graceful, timid with inner strength. It's always been internal performances, like May in "Age of Innocence". In "Black Swan", she has three scenes and is mesmerizing in all of them, short as her screen time was. It wasn't my Winona Ryder, I thought. She's everything May is not: cruel, hateful, frightened, envious, shocking. All the external emotions she's never shown.

As for Portman, where do I begin? She's Natalie Portman and, for a good chunk of the movie, exactly what you'd expect from a very talented actress. Oh, but not really everything you'd expect, is it? She's got lots of subtlety to play with and she does amazing things with her eyes and neck that make you shudder just as much as the larger actions.

I'm not spoiling anything by saying the movie is about descent into madness. Nina is told by the choreographer, Thomas, that if he was casting the White Swan only, she was a shoo-in. She's ALL White Swan, but he wants a more visceral performance out of her. He's opening the season with "Swan Lake". "Done to death, I know," he says. "But not like this." He gives Nina the part, knowing full well she has a great deal of work to do to become the Black Swan.

Nina is terrifying and terrified. She's sexually repressed and always seems to be in a state of coitus interruptus. Well, I know I'd go mad if I was always on the verge of an orgasm just to have the stimulus pulled away from me. Just saying.

So she throws herself into the role. Thomas wants her to let go, Lily thinks she is going to be amazing, her mother is proud and supportive and turns on a dime to sabotage. Or does she? Is Lily really jealous and pretends to be encouraging and friendly? The movie isn't an enigma wrapped in a mystery but it's a mind-fuck all the same.

To say I wasn't disappointed is an understatement. I loved it with every pore of my being. I'd go back if I wasn't in the thick of finals prep. But that DVD is so mine when it comes out. Mine, I tell you! MINE!

prepping for 1L finals

Talk about uncharted territory. No undergrad prepares you for law school finals. As I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that it's November and I'm almost done with my 1st semester, I have to cope with studying for finals.

I am not in the same position mentally as many of my classmates. I've been through hell and lived to tell the tale. This semester, while not a breeze, has not been the overwhelming Slough of Despond it could have been. I am truly grateful for the coping mechanisms. I still wish I had not gone through any of the things I went through and I am not one to be buoyed by silver lining bullshit, but there is something to be said for experiencing the real world before coming to law school.

So, having said all of that, and in the grand tradition of posting about methods of anything on a law school blog, here's my 2 cents about finals prep.

- Go to all your classes. 2 of my 3 substantive law classes are recorded, so those were the ones I tried to miss when I needed to deal with my real life. My 3rd class has an active discussion board and a professor who is terrific about responding by email, but I still only missed 2 of his classes. Still, catching up is hard work and wastes time. Listening to an hour-and-40-minute lecture might seem great because you can pause and go back etc. But it turns it into a 3-hour exercise instead. Waste of time.

- If your school, like mine, does the grade bump-up with mid-terms and class participation, take advantage. Profs can increase grades by one-third, if they see fit. They usually have criteria for doing so. They submit the names for bump-ups before you write the exam.

My Civ Pro class is my small section and it's easier to talk in class. Plus, the prof chooses a number of people to call on each class, so it doesn't matter if you volunteer. But you should. Civ Pro is a tough class, for me, and I asked tons of questions and used the class discussion board a lot. She counts that usage as part of the class participation. Also counted were 2 submitted exercises, which I did very well in. Then there was the mid-term, which I got an A in. So I feel much more confident about going into the final with a bump-up in the bag. I also took advantage of her review sessions and the amazing TAs she has.

For Contracts, we also have 2 areas of possible bump-ups: 2 VGs on any 2 of your 3 submitted memos and class participation. There are 135 people in K and Torts. In K, we are called on randomly; in Torts, according to the class list. K will probably get through the entire class, but not in Torts. K has a vibrant discussion board and the Prof is very aware of who writes and what she writes. Lots of people have popped up since the 2nd memo has been handed back and I'm pretty sure he's noticed who has never written before and are doing so all of a sudden. I know I would.

We were given no criteria for bump-ups in Torts, so the final is it. Do or die.

- Outline. The word is drilled into your head from even before you get to your first class and it is a confusing road to hoe. It's going to be at least 2 months before you actually begin to understand how outlining works and by then you're pulling out your hair for not approaching the work in a more comprehensive manner. Everyone is in the same boat. Commercial outlines have their uses, especially in separating the forest from the trees. I have several question and answer study guides which I find very helpful in working out concepts I have trouble with.

- Join a bar prep program. BarBri is mine and I cannot love it more. The lectures are amazing outlines in themselves and really gives you a comprehensive overview of the course. Use them, and the commercial outlines. Tailor them to fit your course and professor's leaning. It will make your life much easier. Do not rely on them exclusively. Your professor will have leanings, will not cover some areas etc. Don't be stupid and ignore your class notes.

- Go over class notes carefully. Re-examine all those hypos the prof threw out there. Looking at them again once you have a better grasp of the subject matter, tweak the hypo yourself and look at the outcome.

- Study group. Or even a study buddy. My Civ Pro study buddy has blossomed into a buddy for all the classes. She and I work very well together and very much complement each other. We lean on each other's strengths and help each other over the trouble spots.

- Past exams. My study partner and I have learned so much from these exams, it isn't even funny. And we are getting better as utilizing the time as well. I even got brave enough to ask one of my profs to post more exams for the class, which he did!

- Talk to 2Ls and 3Ls. Not just the A-earners. Many people told me what they thought their mistakes were and how I can learn from them. That was even more helpful than the advice from the A crowd.

- Do not get distracted. By Thanksgiving, you should know where you can study and where you can't. If you're the kind of person people must stop and talk to, don't study in the crowded parts of the library. Tell you family, friends, b/fs and g/fs to leave you the hell alone. They have no idea what you are going through and they don't have to have any idea, they just have to accept it. Don't make enemies, but be firm.

- Don't distract others. Every school will have at least one jerk-off who has to stop and talk to you while you're deep in UCC 2-207, just to break your stride. No joke. He will WANT to distract you by telling you how stressed out he is, how he is never going to cover the material, how he has so much else going on. Learn to spot these fools a mile away. Learn to spot the dude who frames his questions in such a way that milks info out of you that you otherwise would not be willing to give. Make it clear, out loud if you must, that you're not going to talk about X, Y or Z. I'm just staying home.

It is every man for himself at this stage, there's no getting around it. But by now, you will know who to trust, who can help you and who to steer clear of. It's not the greatest way to view your law school world, but Law Review only takes a handful and getting into the top 15% of the class is much harder than it sounds. Good luck.

me and law school

So in my first semester at university, I was pregnant with my first child. Cool. A nice story to tell the grandkids.

I'm not pregnant now, but am dealing with some health issues that remind me so much of those days. My lecturers at UWI were amazing, my friends really bent over backwards to help me and I managed to rally through without too much trouble. I wrote my exams, handed in all my papers, gave birth and went back to school. No big.

The different thing this time is I feel like I'm missing a lot of school. Or rather, time I should be spending on school work. I managed to get 2 days' extension on both my papers due this week, but I still feel like I should have managed my time better.

I know there is absolutely nothing I could have done differently and I know I'm not in as bad a way as I'd like to let myself believe. I'm halfway through my K memo and broke the back of my research memo in such a way that all I need to do is actually write it over in sentences. I managed to get 2 days' of my K reading done for this week and skimmed Civ Pro, which would make a close reading much easier. Torts is... well... a bit of a neglected puppy but also the subject I'm having the least trouble with.

I'm listening to Law Preview and have started looking at exam questions and have scheduled practice exams for 2 courses with my study buddies. We're doing K this week and Civ Pro next week and will do Torts after Thanksgiving. Luckily, after this week, we won't have anymore assignments to deal with and can focus on dealing with the big picture and course outlines and finals prep.

I have one more appt with the allergist and he said it will be a few more tests and immunization. The PAP device will arrive some time this week and I can only hope it will be on Friday. Then I see the ENT again early in December to make sure everything is working in tandem.