adjusting

I watch movies and read books about people from ancient cultures coming to the US and trying to adjust. They try to hold on to their past while raising a family influenced by all things American. They grew up amidst the mysteries and sustenance of rituals, traditions and a different world view. Here, a new way of life bludgeons you almost from the moment you step off the plane.

I am not of Carib or Arawak descent, so I can hardly claim being from an ancient culture. While I feel close to my Indian ancestry, I didn't really grow up in those traditions. I have always considered myself a Trini, even before being a woman.

I loved being a Trinidadian. Hard as my life was, I was very connected to where I lived. It was, and still is, a part of who I am. I had my complaints, who doesn't? Trinidad needs improving, no question, but so does the US, England, Zimbabwe and China. 

I miss the heat. I never thought I'd hear myself say that. But the day I walked down a hot NY street with a hot cup of coffee told me a lot about who I am. Also, the day I felt that biting wind told me a thing or two as well.

I wish we could go home more often. I had never orignally intended to make anything like a yearly trip home, but now with law school looming and the possibilty of not going back till I graduate it's killing me not to go. 

I find here to be isolating. I have a mind-set that removes me from everything. It doesn't help that John constantly tells me how to think, how to behave, what to say. It's not like "Sleeping with the Enemy" or anything that bad. I know where he is coming from. But I find my nail digging into my hand every now and then and forcing my poker face on and telling myself to shut up. I know he's coming from a good place and doesn't mean to be annoying and it's not his fault I am annoyed. 

Sometimes, I just shut down. I cannot bear people. Sometimes, I wish I could just pick up the phone and chat. But I know I want to talk to Bellie and Anu and no one else will do. I miss my friends and I have so very few friends here. Certainly none of that caliber. John's friends are sweet, but all of them that I know are pregnant. No shit. All of them. I cannot imagine what our baby-buying budget is going to look like later this year! 

It's not that I don't want to talk to them. I do. I'd love to tell tales about when Pie was a baby and all that. But I am late in the game here. All these women have had support from early on. In a way, I envy them, because I didn't have that. Definitely not with Pie and in a backhand, (now-I-see) underhanded way with Chris. Sometimes, being around them is very, very hard. I feel physical pain in my chest to see their happy homes and babies and grandparents.

I've found it much harder to let go of the time before John and after Pie. Maybe if I were younger, it would be easier. But, then again, there's a lot of shit that still angers me and years span a chasm between now and then.

I hate that I took things for granted back home. I hate that I didn't eat more doubles or jump in a Peter Minshall mas. I went to Panorama once and never Dimanche Gras. I should have gone to more cricket and fete at Moka. I miss "Soca Santa" and Double Ten at Excellent City, which was perfectly positioned two streets away from D'Guardian. But I didn't know I'd be missing them. They were always there and I could do them whenever.

I don't even know when Divali and Eid are here. I get some messages from home on the day, but it's so far removed from me here. I held my own Eid once at my flat and all I served was sawine and I think most people I knew came by. It was just great. One of my friends even dropped HER sawine off and took away some of mine!

I worry about my friends. Who does Bellie call now when she needs cheering up? Why is Anu asking me to "come home tomorrow"? I wonder about Table 5, whom I pretty much lost touch with after I left home. I hope they are all doing well.

Ok. Sad sack post over. Back to the books.

the last chronicles - endurance

I'm in the home stretch, but it doesn't feel like it. It's May 27 and the exam is on June 8. I have my last tutoring session this morning and Tutor is going to go over LR questions in the assumption family, where I am still have problems less than 2 weeks before the test. This worries me.

I'm a little tired of class and going to class. It's not that I am not learning and find the work done instructive, I'm just tired of going. There is no bond with this class as there was with others and half the class isn't even taking the test in June. I don't know why that bothers me. I think I wish the class could be a little more intense and I feel it's getting a bit laid-back. Maybe it's me who should be more intense.

Still, I am very glad I took the class. Kaplan knows its stuff and Tutor is, naturally, a heavy advocate of the method. On occasion, rare ones, that does get a bit annoying, especially when someone suggests a small deviation that has been found helpful. I did that once and I felt he was quick to knock it down without really giving it some thought. He said if I found it to work, I can go ahead but he made it clear that it was an aberration and one else should give it a go. I found myself feeling more insulted than I should. 

I suppose he should be advocating anything other than the method because, as he himself pointed out about another matter, people who didn't do well would be very happy to blame Kaplan for something and sue.

That really depresses me. Shit like that makes me miss home more than ever. I come across thinking like that so very often and it makes me retreat into myself. I really feel like I am losing myself in this country. It's been too long since I've been home and I need a shot of Trinidad like I need my caffeine every morning. It does not help that one of my closest friends keeps asking me to come home tomorrow. I want to, honey. More than these inadequate words can describe.

I must try to compartmentalize that until June 8. No birthday, no Trinidad. But I made the choice and I am committed. I am not dealing with anything that I did not know was going to happen. I can do this.

the lsat chronicles - slow progress

I am seeing some improvement in both Logical Reasoning and Logic Games. My grasp (finally!) of Formal Logic is key to this. I am still having a bit of a struggle over "X unless Y" but I made Tutor text me an example and I have it saved on my phone so I can check it often. And I do.

Tutor has been great. He sent me some good advice and he is very encouraging. He has developed a great rhythm with the class and he is very dedicated, even when I think he should just leave the people who come late and leave early. How serious can you be if you do that? But he might be a better man than me.

I was talking with a classmate today and she, like others, think I am worrying too much. But I know why I worry. I really don't feel as confident as I should and I realize I really want to go to law school. If I don't get a good score to get into a good school and get some funding, I feel like I wouldn't be able to face John. 

I don't know how I can look at him and tell him that I might need to re-sit the exam in September. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about re-sitting but I have to be realistic as well. I will have to pay the exam fee again, but I will be able to take the course again for free. But I feel just having to tell him that will cause me so many problems: the money; the time away from the family; John having to do more; a stressful summer with Pie that should be carefree and fun.

I also realize how much I want this and I'm so worried I might not get it. 

I also went to have a look at New York Law School today. I went to NYU last Friday for an IP seminar and will be going to Cardozo on Thursday. I lined up two terrific recommenders from home. After Thursday, my focus will solely be on the LSAT. I pounded out a draft of my personal statement before I started the prep course, so I have a board to jump off of when I'm done with the LSAT. New York Law also requires a second statement but I can worry about that later.

After the LSAT, I am going to sit and write a post comparing the six schools I am going to apply to. I'm really looking for a good fit for me and my foray into copyright academia. Until then, I'm working on "X unless Y".

the lsat chronicles - realizations

Today, I realized that I need to step up my game in order to be ready for June. I don't think I have been slack, in any way, but I feel I should be further along than I should be. This hit me when Tutor gave me back a Feedback Exercise with a comment "you know this" on one of the questions. I took that more to heart than the other exercise with all the praise written all over it.

I feel very confident about Reading Comprehension. I consistently get whole questions right in that section. But that is one section out of 4 scored sections. I can get whole games right, but I also consistently find myself guessing through 2 games in a 4-game section. I am also not where I should be with Formal Logic and Logical Reasoning.

Good things? RC, definitely. Being able to identify questions types across the board. I'm very confident about that. I like matching and both kinds of grouping games. 

I am also making some silly mistakes. Like in "except" questions. There are so many more what must/could be true and must/could be false questions that I find myself locating the wrong answer in an "except" question. It's stupid and frustrating.

So I feel I need to crack it harder. I am going to spend more time doing pacing and review. And no more days off. I've been taking it light on days I have workshops, so no more of that, either. 

I'm trying not to feel too down. I hear my classmates talking about waiting until September because they don't feel they are ready for June. LSAC also changed the deadline to change your mind so after April 25, you're locked into June. If I had it my way, I'd wait until Sunday (which is Test 4) and see how I do and use that as a gauge for June or September. 

But September is only an option for me if I don't do well in June and I want to do well in June. September isn't a fallback or anything like that. Plus, I don't think John would forgive me if we have to shell out more money to pay for another round of exams. I might qualify for Kaplan's do-over policy if I am unhappy with my score and be able to take the classes over for free, but, again, I do not want to think that way. I know they're there, I just don't want to dwell on ways out.

the lsat chronicles - logic games master class

I attended what was probably the best workshop I've ever gone to. We didn't actually do questions, but went through all the different types of rules that could come up in the four game types: sequencing, matching, distribution and selection. 

The teacher was just blow-mind. I adore Tutor, but as far a subject-specific session can go, this woman was just best.

I admire how much work has gone into creating the Kaplan method. This woman has taken it one step further and actually came up with math-type rules to answer questions. I feel like I shouldn't be posting this, it's such a huge tip. But, then again, who reads this, anyway.

She got into some nitty-gritty with the rules that I have been having some trouble with. Sometimes, I wonder if something HAS to be included based on the wording of the rules. She really took the guess-work out of that.

She did it so well that, when the class was almost at the end, I noticed a mistake about a previous question and called it. Even I was impressed! It didn't look right and I couldn't move onto the one she was discussing. Finally, I had to raise my hand and call her back to it. I would have felt really dumb if she told me I was obsessing over something that was correct. But it was wrong and  I felt pleased that I was learning something.

Many people came up to her after class and thanked her personally. I've never seen that. I thank Tutor all the time. I could email Steve all day and thank him for his online coaching. Teaching is really thankless. A good teacher should be thanked well and often. 

At the end of the class, the teacher and I discovered a shared love for stationery and shared our pencil sharpeners with the class. It was funny. She gave me 2 pencils and promised more. She is teaching a Formal Logic Master class next Monday and I am so there.

This LSAT thing could be coming together, after all.

the lsat chronicles - ongoing

Tutor poked fun at me and the many workshops I go to. What I think is that I am getting my money's worth. Kaplan makes all these things available and, even if I am not thrilled by the actual session, at least it is practice. If nothing else, I am ensuring I am applying the method properly and getting questions right.

We had a Logical Reasoning test at the last class and I did so much better than I have ever done before. I was very pleased. I still had some issues with "X unless Y" but Tutor said if I am getting "no X unless Y", then I am on my way. That doesn't stop me from making him explain, with examples, all the time.

The "like-girl" from the class braced me in the elevator on Saturday after class and told me I know everything. I asked her who told her that. We'd never exchanged a single word before that moment. She said I just look like I know everything. I didn't really answer: what am I supposed to say? I do the work? I go online and use the tools? I go to the workshops which no one in my class attends? 

I was curious as to why she spoke to me and took the opportunity to ask her to stop saying "like" so much. I told her I want to throw things at her because her questions are so useful but it is hard to wade through the "likes". She says everyone tells her that but I should look past it to the substance. I asked if she planned to go to law school and her friend said something to the effect of "tell it to the judge", which I couldn't have put better myself.

The next day, it was noticeable how many fewer "likes" were in her speech. 

I have much work to do. I'd like to get through another Logical Reasoning test today and maybe some Logic Games. Plus I have homework for Saturday to hand in and a workshop tomorrow. Two of Pie's friends are coming to spend the night tomorrow as they have no school on Friday. That means John gets left alone with 3 boys until I get home after 10 p.m. And they are with us all day on Friday. Off to the salt mines.

dancing with the stars - halfway

I love Ty Murray and I was hoping he'd wow with every dance and actually win this thing (even though I vote for Gilles and Cheryl every week!). He tried so hard and he always looks like he's licking it in rehearsal, but when he gets to the floor, he goes back to being so stiff. Poor guy.

I am never going to forget Mark and Kristi Yamaguchi's sexy rumba. I was wondering if he would come back with something so daring with little Shawn Johnson, but he did keep it age-appropriate, while still showing off her splits' skills. They looked very lovely together.

I'm sorry, but Lawrence Taylor needs to go home. Seeing Warren Sapp was great, but LT is as dull as dishwater. Keep Ty and send Taylor home.

Tony and Melissa look like Flavorite ice cream flavors. She is so beautiful and elegant and they have the best rehearsal footage. I am loving that Tony is having a ball. He always has to be the cheerleader with his crying partners (yes, I mean you Marissa Jaret Winokur!), so it's nice the cheerleader is bringing out the goof in him.

Lil Kim wowed me no end last week. Her waltz was something else and I never thought to look for grace in her. With the Jive, though, she looked uncomfortable all the way through. And they took a long time to get into the dance and we didn't see a kick until halfway into the performance. I can't believe Bruno said "fabulous" and Carrie was screaming. I wondered if they saw the same dance. I agree with Len. There wasn't enough Jive. I cannot believe the scores for Kim and Derek.

[Bottom of the 4th: My beloved Yankees are getting their collective asses handed to them by Tampa Bay. I just cannot believe it. John and I have been having discussions about judging players and teams in the first week and I contend that if the organization spent the kind of money that could support a third-world nation to bring players into the team, then I should expect them to reign in the moon and fence it with the stars. So far, I'd be happy if they could find the moon's reflection in a pool of still water.]

Steve-O also annoys me but I'd still take him over Lawrence Taylor. And he has a challenge with the Rumba. Big surprise. He claims a challenge with every dance. And not like the other participants. He always has to "overcome". I'm just tired of it.But I am tired of Taylor more. Lacey is clearly dancing around him. He looks like a piece of wood.

Cheryl really cracks the whip with Gilles. She is a tough cookie. Of course, now she has a partner who can actually dance and she WANTS to win! Gilles really handles it well, though. He's a real trooper. I hope he rocks the Jive, too. His dancing always makes me smile.

[My husband just called me on my phone. He is downstairs. He just called to say hi. Is it any wonder that we're still together for almost 4 years? Actually, at the end of next month, we'd be together 5 years and married for 4 in November. Huh. It is hard to believe. Also, as usual, his talking made me miss important stuff on DwtS: Gilles and Cheryl's score!]

Julianne is wearing some outfit! I could not take my eyes off her. Chuck who?

Ok, so let's start a petition to send Lawrence Taylor home!